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Monday, July 11, 2011

Can horoscopes be wrong?

Amazing Deviant Art

You are a pain in the ass. 
(It was at this point, in my lack of coffee, I did a double take.)

You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. (HA!) Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". 
(Hey! I have no idea what they're... oh, wait. Yeah, okay. Maybe.)

Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. (ROTFL!)

It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius (Oh, GOD! MY husband is Aquarius!?). That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor (That's fact. I can attest). Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. (Nooooooo!)

Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. (I have sooooo.... NOT done this. *shifts eyes back and forth*)

Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. (Really? Mental note: Get Heloise book.)


Hmph. What am I to do with all this new found, truthful disheartening information?

Eh, I'll just fill you in on my progress. Then I need to go check my teeth.

Without further adieu... the first "official" week of mini-goddamn-deadlines is over and I'm heading face first into week 2.

I'm happy to say that the edits for the first four chapters are complete! 

Though, knowing my obnoxious, overly critical, want-to-make-it-perfect self (see above)... I'll probably end up going back into those first four again.

At some point.

Not now.

(HEY! They're the most important, right? They must be color coordinated and oh... Uh, nevermind.)

Whoa. Did something just move under my fridge?



Amelia James said...

I think my husband is a Virgo in disguise. Do you know what it's like to live with one of you? Sheesh.

Kate said...

You forgot the best part!!
"Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. "

By the way, I moved your cheese.

Lyn Midnight said...

Oh man! You're killing me! :D

If I had even half of your brain I'd do better than I do at writing now. Can I have the nice side please? The artsy one. (Left? Right? Can you tell I just graduated in Psychology?).

Ahem. Yes, Tauruses (Tauri) are notorious for their love of fridge hineys. I think it's the cool smell of a vibrating behind they are drawn to in the summer. *sigh*

And can I just ask: WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU FIND THIS HOROSCOPE? Or did you pretend to be an astrologist again? :P

Final note: Aha! Now I know why I like you. All of my friends are Virgoes. Thus I am onto you like a Taurus under a new fridge's ass.

Carissa Elg said...

@ Amelia- yes. We are a pain in the ass. I believe it said so in the first line. ;)

@ Kate - I left that one off on purpose. Just to see if you'd find it! HA!!!

@Lyn- Oh, man... I can't take credit for the horoscope. Go to to check them out. (Or click on VIRGO at the top of the page, cause it's a hyperlink)
So... YOU'RE the Taurus under my fridge? ;)

Shay-ster said...

So being the curious character that I am I followed your link to find for myself what my horoscope said... much to my bemusement I found myself laughing out loud and at 2:30 in the morning and agreeing with practically everything in it... btw I'm a Gemini which makes me laugh just thinking about the schizophrenic portion of my horoscope. But it made a great note to go to bed on :D

Carissa Elg said...

HA! Nice, Shay! I thought that one was hilarious, too! (My Dad is also a Gemini! HAHAHA!)

Sherry Dumpprope said...

Yeah, I for one thought the Gemini horoscope was not accurate at all! I think I indentify much more with your horoscope, Carissa! Wanna trade?!