Deep breaths before a swan dive

Deep Breaths

I think I need less caffeine. Maybe less stress. More sleep?

All of the above?

Here I am, on the brink of going down to the Moonlight & Magnolia's Conference… and I'm not sure which I am more…

1.) Excited as hell to meet my CRITs gals, meet new writerly people, learn new stuff, pitch Pendomus...

2.) OR scared outta my freakin' gourd!
(Hey, it's coming up on Halloween, cut a girl some slack.)

I'm almost ready for the weekend… and I've learned something:

I am HORRIBLE at creating a synopsis and pitch. 

Wow. 

How can something so little be so hard? Give me a business card to design any day… just don't make me boil down my book into 50 words or less. That's just plain evil. LOL!

The perfectionist in me is screaming that I should feel more secure… be more prepared.

The fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants me thinks it's better if I can allow myself to chill; to be myself and let things fly.

This is my first conference… I know I'm gonna learn TONS.

So, yeah… that's what I'm gonna do.

Chill. Take a deep damn breath...

…and… dive.

10 Random Facts - Another game of tag!

There's a fun little game of tag going around the blogging community right now, and I've been poked by the crazy talented, Ms. Samantha Warren (@_SamanthaWarren) To play, you simply need to be poked by someone. Then you list 10 random facts about yourself and tag four more people. 


Here are my random facts. Hope you enjoy!


1.) If I can go barefoot, I will. I despise shoes. *eyes them menacingly*


2.) I am ordinarily a morning person. My day typical starts at 5am. (Yeah, I know… as if I'm not weird enough! LOL!)


3.) I tend to go vegetarian. It's not necessarily a morality issue for me, but I guess, sorta. I could totally go weeks without eating meat and never miss it. Avocado, anyone?


4.) I am super allergic to dust. Yep, you read that right. DUST. Of the all the stupid things to be allergic to, I have to go and pick the one that is completely unavoidable. Super.


5.) I have a crazy golden retriever named Jedi. He's a good dog, but drives me insane.


6.) I'm pretty sure a terminator arrived the night my son was born. He arrived an entire month early and on the long hour trip to the hospital, as I was cursing the man who put me in that situation, it was dry lightening. Kinda cool, I guess and helped distract me from the blinding pain... Oddly enough, once my son was born, the storm settled down. Huh. Maybe I gave birth to the terminator. 


7.) I have to watch Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic when I put up my Halloween decorations. Every year. It's TRADITION!


8.) I can't wear contacts. Evidently, I have this crazy astigmatism that mixes with being farsighted. I've tried just about every kind… I could see better if I poke myself in the eye. Hey, I probably do every time I put them in. HA!


9.) I am a certified Reiki Master in the Usui Shiki Ryoho tradition. Yep. That.


10.) I hate, hate, HATE folding laundry.  



Alright… now for my tag victims…. mwahahaahaha


1. Stacey
2. Dana
3. Leif
4. Colin

Worth

worth

¹    [wurth]  Show IPA

preposition

1.

good or important enough to justify (what is specified):advice worth taking; a place worth visiting.

2.

having a value of, or equal in value to, as in money: This vase is worth 12 dollars.

3.

having property to the value or amount of: They are worth millions.

noun

4.

excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem:women of worth.

5.

usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, orfor a purpose: Your worth to the world is inestimable.

6.

value, as in money.

7.

a quantity of something of a specified value: ten cents'worth of candy.

8.

wealth; riches; property or possessions: net worth.

What does it mean to be worth something? To be worthy? 

Of love. Of support. Of understanding?

From our family. From our parents. From our partners? From our friends?

Is it realistic to base a person's worth solely on money? Does that feel right to you?

Or can it be based on their potential? Their ability to love? Their ability to see what doesn't work and decide it's time to change it. Or a myriad of other things people might never notice…?

Is it right to limit a person's future because you cannot see what they see?

At what point… does a person take a stand and say,

"I wish you understood. But ultimately, it doesn't matter. Because I do."

I've been recently told to lower my expectations. That I dream too big and my ideals are unrealistic. I've been told that because I've made steps to be happier in my life… that I'm no longer worthy of support by the people I thought were closest to me.

By the people I thought would support me, unconditionally.

I've been told that, based on my recent decisions, I'm no longer deserving of going on my trip to Georgia at the end of the month. And I'm deluding myself if I ever think Pendomus could be something.

A month ago… this would have been devastating to me. And while, their words hurt, I know this person is wrong.

We have different philosophies about life.

To me, the unlived life is not worth living.

But because of that belief, I'm insane. Probably chemically imbalanced and need to be checked out. Because no one… no one in their right mind, would change their life if it wasn't working. I have children. How can I only think about myself?

I'm being illogical. 

Which is funny, when I think about it. There are many things I consider myself to be… crazy, may indeed be on that list… but illogical isn't one of them. (seems like a paradox, I know)

To this person, should you read my blog: I love you. But I don't agree with you.

Ultimately, we have to do what feels right in our own lives and that's not narcissistic or uncaring.

Sometimes it's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It's being the change you wish to see in the world. It's leading by example and not expecting others to follow.

Whether or not the people closest to us understand.

Whether or not… they ever understand.

What is happiness worth to you?

Standing Still to Bare My Soul

Life.

It's what happens with you're standing still.

And that's what I've been doing. Standing still.

My wheels are spinning with Pendomus and it's because my personal life is in chaos. I have a war raging in my brain and I can't… shake it.

So much in my life… has felt so empty for a really long time. Don't get me wrong… I love my kids, my family and friends… but there's been something missing that I've never quite been able to put my finger on. Looking back, I filled that void with many things. Even writing Pendomus.

Now… I fill the void with you. Twitter. My blog. The amazing new people I've met across the world. I didn't know just how connected I really was… until I met you. And… I started to understand what the void is.

You get me. 

The bat-shit crazy, wild-child-wannabe, me.

But there's a downside, too. With social media, like Twitter, it's hard to stay away from it. From the constant interaction. Particularly, because I have this sick obsession to interact. To be accessible. You've given me a taste of what it's like to really be… me.

It's kind of funny when you think about it…

A lot of people think social media is all fake. People in smoke screens and all full of shit. But I haven't found that. Most people are sincere and it's pretty easy to spot the ones who aren't.

When I got blindsided with the whole, narcissistic thing… it honestly only made things worse. Set me off on a tailspin and I'm still reeling. Probably because now, I feel like I'm not only misunderstood occasionally… I'm just really not understood at all. Because before… I had a clear intention. Plus, I don't have many people I can talk to about it, who aren't inside my computer. So, yea. That helps.

But... isn't that really what we're all searching for? To be understood?

Hell, to understand ourselves?

Does that make me narcissist? Or just plain old human?

I'd like to believe the latter.

My life is a mess right now… but it's nice to know I have you all out there.

And maybe… someday I will find a place in the real world to fit in.

xoxo

In the name of progress… so much for that.

Okay. It's crunch time, baby.

September 29th looms

The Moonlight and Magnolia's Conference is at the end of the month. My Goddamn Deadline blew by (did you feel that?) and after going through and organizing a brand-spanking new outline for the end of Pendomus… 

I realized today----> 

I still have six chapters to finish before then. 

Even after all I've done this week. 

*headdesk*

What in the hell? Have I been spinning my wheels? Evidently.

So, as you can tell, I'm a bit frustrated. It is what it is… 

I think part of the problem is the self-imposed deadline crap. I know I have this conference coming and yet, I always want to be ahead of the game. Sometimes that works… sometimes… yeah, I sit and spin. Psh.

So, I give up. 

Not on Pendomus. Nor getting my poop in a scoop for the conference.

No, I give up any preconceived notions of deadlines. I know what has to be done before September 29th. Rather than giving myself a coronary, I'm making that my new goal.  

Whilst I am at it… another thing I plan to give up in this month of pressure:

Perfection. 

Perfection is boring. Who needs it? I want a book that transcends perfection. 

The only way to make that happen… is to let it go.