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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Humor Hiatus and a New Year's Resolution

Can your humor go on hiatus? 

Mine did.

Ordinarily, I consider myself to be an upbeat person. Funny, if only to myself… but it seems that in my life transition, my sense of humor wandered off and only recently have I been able to grasp at it again… pulling it by its pigtails and making it squeal.
I mean… uh…


Has this happened to any of you?

I suppose life turned too serious. People's feelings had to be accounted for. Logistical stuff needed to be sorted out. Hell, it still does. Then with the Christmas craze… gah.

Thank the lucky stars THAT'S over.

Now that it's all settling down… I've been finding the humor in things again. It helps tremendously when you have amazing people in your life that make you laugh.

My hope is that this time next year, things will be back on track… a feeling of normalcy returned and perhaps even Pendomus in the process of being published or HAS BEEN published.

Wouldn't that be something?

Speaking of Pendomus…

I've decided to set a New Year's Resolution and I want you, my invaluable reader, to hold me accountable…

Are you ready for it?

By the end of January, I will complete the last four chapters of Pendomus.

No more excuses, dammit.

Honestly, I think it will mean writing it from scratch (or at least a big chunk of it), but I'm cool with that. I have all the pieces I need and I will work from there.

But here's the thing, I need a cheerleading squad. People who cheer or egg me on or yell at me when I haven't made any damn progress.

Hell, I need a freakin' word counter or something for my blog… hmmm… I wonder if I can get that somewhere. Suggestions? Links?

Originally, I thought I would start over… you know… re-read from the beginning. Get a feel for the book again… work my way to the end. But instead, I think I might read the last 3 chapters and just hit the ground running. It's go time, baby. I have a month and THAT'S IT.

Alrighty, my fantastical fiends… wish me luck and bust out those pom poms, would ya? ;)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Calling Me Back

So much has happened in the past year.

My life barely resembles itself anymore. In many ways, I'm more than cool with it.

In others… I wish I'd maintained my drive.

Writing. <--------That's the big one.

Pendomus needs to be finished… as it has needed for the past couple months. Technically, I have only 4 chapters to tweak. FOUR.

That's all that is standing between me and the query process… and yet… I hesitate.

Can I even do it? Can I pick up where I left off and keep going? What if after all this time away… I've forgotten how? Can a writer forget? What if I'm the first? Oh, god… *hyperventilates* *searches for paper bag*

To my fellow writers… Has this ever happened to you? Life comes at you sideways and the amazing story you're working on has to be set down. Set aside until other, those more pressing issues have been dealt with?

How do you recover? What's your process?

A part of me wonders if I should just say SCREW IT!

No… not letting go of the story. But letting go of the other versions I've already written and just writing it fresh. I have two endings that need to be melded into this third and final version… in order be more cohesive. To be right.

The problem is… there are parts I really liked from those other two. Parts I wanted to make sure I kept… but it's blocking my creative flow and making it much harder to return to it than it should be.

On the upside… all this time away has me missing my world. Missing my characters... and that's been giving me new ideas. Book two is right around the corner… I can feel it. But I need to get this one out first…

So I guess I need some advice.

If you were me… chaos running amok… how would you look at Pendomus? What tactic would you take to accomplish the end goal of getting it complete?

Would you give yourself a timeframe… a deadline (oh, there's that dreaded word I've been missing all these months… Heehee)? Or would you just wait until a little more of the dust settles?

I need something reasonable to work towards! ;)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Make Yourself

"If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow."

It's time.

Time to remove the unnecessary barriers and be myself again.

For the sake of others, I've remained distant. From Twitter, from my blog... Sometimes, from those closest to me. All because I wanted to ease them into the life changes I'm making... Trying spare the feelings of others because I understand that changes can be hard.

That time is over.

It seems, no matter what I do, it's not good enough, anyway. They're hell bent on searching it out and making problems where there were none, so here goes nuthin'...

My life these past few months has been AMAZING.

Say what??

Those of you who've been keeping up on my infrequent blogs (that will be changing soon, too) are probably aware of my divorce. 

What you may not know, is despite the mess that goes with it… 

I've had one of the most profound people I've ever met enter my life. 

He's been a shocking surprise, waking me from the crazy haze I've meandered around inside for so long. There are no words to properly express how much his presence has affected me. He's brought light into an area of my life that's been dark for more years than I can count.

Yet, the circumstances of our "sudden romance" are less than appealing to some of the people around me. They can't wrap their minds around it. 

First, timing. Yes, I admit it's not the best. But neither of us expected this. It was never meant to be anything beyond friendship. We weren't expecting what we found in each other.

Second, we met on Twitter and because he currently lives in England. 

"How could I meet him online and think I know him? Or be willing to have him enter my "real" life? Why would I be willing to take the risk?"

I get those questions and concerns. I do. 

But for me, I've always lived my life according to a very simple rule: Be adaptable. Be open.

Life is NOT about standing still. It's about flowing with the changes, the challenges that life gives you. Life is an adventure, meant to be embraced. As adults, too many people stick themselves into a box; unwilling to change or acclimate to anything new. In part due to fear.

And what purpose does that serve? 

If you can stop, look at fear logically, it's usually just a roadblock to getting what you really want. Sure, sometimes, its purpose is to get you out of danger and it should be taken seriously. But I'm talking the abstract, "WHAT IF", fear. 

Why is it everyone can ask, 

"What if he gets here, and you can't stand him? Why would you do it?"

but not

"What if he gets here, and you're blissfully happy?"

Because EITHER are possible. And I'm not gonna know until I've tried.

To those who are upset by this change; I'm sorry this isn't easier for you. I truly am. If there was a magic wand to wave, I surely would do it. Because each one of you deserves to be equally happy. But one thing I will no longer do, is stand idly by and take the brunt of your unhappiness. 

We each have a choice to be happy. 

I've made mine and I will stand proud behind it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I needed something to sing about.

Life is crazy at the moment… not necessarily in a bad way, just… different. It's more of a; complete flux and trying to find a new state of homeostasis kinda thing. Some areas have, amidst the chaos… been really, really good.

It's strange, because I've found that life doesn't hand you what you want, it hands you what you need.

For the longest time, though I didn't realize it at first… I've been going through the motions. I'm not sure where it all happened. Hell, not even sure WHY it happened. I just know it did.

But I woke up one morning early this year, wondering…

Is this all there is? 

Have you ever gotten like this?

It took me most of the year to process. To really wrap my head around why I was dissatisfied with the state of my life.

I felt frozen.

Frozen in time. Frozen in heart. Frozen… even in mind.

I know I talked about the fact that my husband and I have separated and are going through a divorce. And while the upheaval of that has been, at times, a bit crazy… the energy is moving again.

I'm moving again…

Literally, even. I'm in the midst of moving into a house that needs renovations done. So, my time and energy has been spent getting that prepared.

However, I'm starting to get new ideas for book 2… I've taken notes and gotten them logged… but as of yet, I still need to finish the last 4 chapters of book 1. Until this moving process is finished, I know I won't be able to get back into the world and devote the time I need to to write. But I can feel Pendomus… in the back of my mind, growing strength again. Even though I can't get to it yet, knowing that it's percolating there… it gives me hope.

But what I lack in writing, I've been gaining in inner peace.

I have one person to thank for that. One person that has helped me open my eyes to all the possibilities the future can still hold and his wisdom means more than I can ever properly express.

To bring this post full (Buffy) circle…

Turns out,

I just needed something to sing about

Friday, October 28, 2011

I really hope "normal" isn't contagious.

I find it intriguing the way people behave, myself included.

For years and years, I struggled onward daily… doing what was expected of me. What I thought people wanted…

What I thought I wanted…

This year, while writing Pendomus, many things have come into sharp focus. One of them, is this concept of being happy.

While I enjoy the person I've become… the interests I have, writing, the way I work, etc…

I've longed for more.

Yet… the people around me have often times pulled me back; "Want MORE? Why can't you just be happy with what you have?"

Here's the thing… I am not a statue. I am ever changing… and being in that state of evolution, how can I possibly stay happy without embracing the changes? Without searching for more? Without seeing how I've evolved and incorporating it into the way I think/want/act?

Life is a journey… meant to be walked with eyes wide open.

So many people, live their lives, every single day… without being present. Without… being.

That's not me.

I hope that's NEVER me.

I want to continue my life, seeing all the possibilities… seeing how I can make anything work. Even my challenges.

Going through a divorce, and seeing first hand the devastation, hasn't been an easy thing. It's probably been the most challenging thing I've ever faced. However, I'm walking through it with a clear head (at least, most of the time) and that makes it easier. I can see a bigger picture than what's happening right now… and yet, I am still allowing myself to be fully present in this moment of change.

Some people find it cliche… and maybe it is… but… things happen for a reason. I truly believe that and see the patterns in it. Maybe not necessarily the "God has a plan for us" kinda a way… but in the "Our lives unfold as they should" kinda way. And perhaps even that really is just a play on semantics.

People enter and exist as they should… There are lessons we all bring to each other… Even adversity makes us stronger… Yet, for some reason, people are afraid of change. Why?

Why is humanity perfectly accepting of a completely predictable existence? I don't get that.

Where's the fun? The challenge? The lesson?

Can we truly be alive if we never really live?

If this life… this one moment in time… is all we ever have… why are we wasting it?

My advice? Get out there and live. Chase down whatever brings you joy and makes you happy.

There's no time like the present.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

There's a wagon here…somewhere...

I know there is. 

After months of turmoil… things being flipped upside down… technically, still amidst the chaos... I've decided to get back on my writing wagon.

Somewhere along the way, I fell off. But Pendomus has been patiently waiting. As I knew it would.

Things needed to be taken care of… still do. But my mind needed clearing before I could re-enter the story. A real-life direction needed to be taken.

Now that it has, I feel… at least in some part, I can reclaim my title of author and readjust my hat. It's been a bit lopsided and I couldn't see clearly enough to write.

Life is interesting to me that way…

I was soooooo focused. Driven.

And just when you think you have it all figured out… life comes at you sideways and you have to take a step back. A time to reflect. And a time to embrace the changes.

This isn't going to be a simple process. Nor a simple year.

But the one thing I do know, without a doubt…

Pendomus MUST be finished.

And it must be now.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Future in Flux

I'm going to share something with all of you…

Something I've struggled with sharing for quite a while… and in part because it effects more than just me.

However, I'm nothing, if not honest.

Additionally, I've found the blogosphere and the people who follow me to be intensely supportive and understanding… It's in this vein that I open my life a bit more to you.

First, a little backstory: Pendomus has been my world for a year (to the day, actually… it was conceived in my head like Athena on 10.10.10). It's been, as it turns out, my escape because things inside my mind, inside my home, haven't felt right. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But the more I escaped, the more I began to realize I was, in many ways… unhappy.

And… well, I like to be happy. LOL!

Here's the thing… I've been married for 13 years… we married young and while I appreciate my husband as a man and dad… I've decided it's best if we went our separate ways as a couple.

I need to reclaim my happiness.

Part of that, is accepting my role-- and believe me, I do. It's taken me this long to realize I am no more matched for him… as he is for me. And that's okay.

For some surrounding me… they're surprised. Those closest to me… not so much.

We (and by that I mean, me) seem to have an idealized, albeit romanticized notion in our heads…

We must meet our one and only true love the first time and that person will be with us until the day we die and nothing will ever, ever go wrong.

But reality chuckles and says… Yeah, good luck with that. 

The thing is, people grow. Sometimes they grow together. Sometimes they grow apart.

There's nothing wrong with it and in all honesty I wouldn't want it any other way. I've grown a lot and I enjoy the person I've become in this past decade.

Additionally, I'm now the type of person who believes people enter (and exit) your life to teach you lessons needing to be learned. There's no judgement with it… the timing is perfect for you and what really matters is how you deal. What you walk away from it all with.

What I do know… We each have a right to be happy within our lives and in our relationships. It is in our direct power to ensure it. We can't control our partners and can only control ourselves. Sometimes, that means taking the reigns and doing what's right for you, even if it can seem selfish to others.

You only get one life to live. Stop living it unhappily.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Sci-Fi Geek Takes On M&M

...takes on M&M.
So… as some of you know… this past weekend I attended the Moonlight and Magnolia's conference down in beautiful Decatur Georgia. (For those of you who DON'T know… this is a romance writer's conference… and I'm no romance writer.)

I was recruited (albeit reluctantly) to attend by my awesome CRIT gals, Kendall Grey and Gina Lamm.

They were already going to be attending and they thought it would be a great opportunity… All of the agents/editors attending cross genres and a couple even adventure into the realm of YA.

Now, Pendomus incorporates romantic elements, but it is, by no stretch of the imagination… er… romance. So the idea was really intimidating at first. But, in the end, I am sooooooo glad I took that leap and trusted them.

The hotel the conference was at ended up being completly booked, so I had to stay at another hotel 5 minutes away… which, as it turns out, was a good thing. The convention center was being torn down the last day of our conference and they were in the process of picking it apart. (Helloooooooo, why is there no toilet paper in 4 out of the 6 stalls? They do realize a romance writer's conference is going to be mostly women… right?)

Anyway… meeting Kendall and Gina was amazing! They are wicked cool ladies both on Twitter and in person! I also met so many new people with whom I adore… Alicia, Denise, Nicki… just to name a few.

The seminars ranged from really beneficial, to pretty basic, but overall, worth the experience.

The biggest news on my part is that I pitched Pendomus to two people:

The fabulous Jessica Faust from BookEnds, LLC and the amazingly sweet Leah Hultenschmidt of Sourcebooks.

As you know from my freak outs earlier in the week… I am not a pitching genius. Trying to figure that whole ordeal out… or what they might want was confusing and uber a bit nerve wracking. But in the end, things went really well!

Both of them have requested to see the full manuscript! HOLY CRAP!

So… time to hunker down… get the last four chapter edits done and send it off to be examined by these wickedly awesome ladies.

LONG STORY SHORT: A romance writer's conference is a fantastic place for the Sci-fi writer… I met amazing people, learned some new stuff and even drummed up some interest for Pendomus.

Now… it's time to put my efforts in and make this happen.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Deep breaths before a swan dive

Deep Breaths
I think I need less caffeine. Maybe less stress. More sleep?

All of the above?

Here I am, on the brink of going down to the Moonlight & Magnolia's Conference… and I'm not sure which I am more…

1.) Excited as hell to meet my CRITs gals, meet new writerly people, learn new stuff, pitch Pendomus...

2.) OR scared outta my freakin' gourd!
(Hey, it's coming up on Halloween, cut a girl some slack.)

I'm almost ready for the weekend… and I've learned something:

I am HORRIBLE at creating a synopsis and pitch. 


How can something so little be so hard? Give me a business card to design any day… just don't make me boil down my book into 50 words or less. That's just plain evil. LOL!

The perfectionist in me is screaming that I should feel more secure… be more prepared.

The fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants me thinks it's better if I can allow myself to chill; to be myself and let things fly.

This is my first conference… I know I'm gonna learn TONS.

So, yeah… that's what I'm gonna do.

Chill. Take a deep damn breath...

…and… dive.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

10 Random Facts - Another game of tag!

There's a fun little game of tag going around the blogging community right now, and I've been poked by the crazy talented, Ms. Samantha Warren (@_SamanthaWarren) To play, you simply need to be poked by someone. Then you list 10 random facts about yourself and tag four more people. 

Here are my random facts. Hope you enjoy!

1.) If I can go barefoot, I will. I despise shoes. *eyes them menacingly*

2.) I am ordinarily a morning person. My day typical starts at 5am. (Yeah, I know… as if I'm not weird enough! LOL!)

3.) I tend to go vegetarian. It's not necessarily a morality issue for me, but I guess, sorta. I could totally go weeks without eating meat and never miss it. Avocado, anyone?

4.) I am super allergic to dust. Yep, you read that right. DUST. Of the all the stupid things to be allergic to, I have to go and pick the one that is completely unavoidable. Super.

5.) I have a crazy golden retriever named Jedi. He's a good dog, but drives me insane.

6.) I'm pretty sure a terminator arrived the night my son was born. He arrived an entire month early and on the long hour trip to the hospital, as I was cursing the man who put me in that situation, it was dry lightening. Kinda cool, I guess and helped distract me from the blinding pain... Oddly enough, once my son was born, the storm settled down. Huh. Maybe I gave birth to the terminator. 

7.) I have to watch Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic when I put up my Halloween decorations. Every year. It's TRADITION!

8.) I can't wear contacts. Evidently, I have this crazy astigmatism that mixes with being farsighted. I've tried just about every kind… I could see better if I poke myself in the eye. Hey, I probably do every time I put them in. HA!

9.) I am a certified Reiki Master in the Usui Shiki Ryoho tradition. Yep. That.

10.) I hate, hate, HATE folding laundry.  

Alright… now for my tag victims…. mwahahaahaha

1. Stacey
2. Dana
3. Leif
4. Colin

Tuesday, September 13, 2011



1   [wurth]  Show IPA
good or important enough to justify (what is specified):advice worth taking; a place worth visiting.
having a value of, or equal in value to, as in money: This vase is worth 12 dollars.
having property to the value or amount of: They are worth millions.
excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem:women of worth.
usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, orfor a purpose: Your worth to the world is inestimable.
value, as in money.
a quantity of something of a specified value: ten cents'worth of candy.
wealth; riches; property or possessions: net worth.

What does it mean to be worth something? To be worthy? 

Of love. Of support. Of understanding?

From our family. From our parents. From our partners? From our friends?

Is it realistic to base a person's worth solely on money? Does that feel right to you?

Or can it be based on their potential? Their ability to love? Their ability to see what doesn't work and decide it's time to change it. Or a myriad of other things people might never notice…?

Is it right to limit a person's future because you cannot see what they see?

At what point… does a person take a stand and say,

"I wish you understood. But ultimately, it doesn't matter. Because I do."

I've been recently told to lower my expectations. That I dream too big and my ideals are unrealistic. I've been told that because I've made steps to be happier in my life… that I'm no longer worthy of support by the people I thought were closest to me.

By the people I thought would support me, unconditionally.

I've been told that, based on my recent decisions, I'm no longer deserving of going on my trip to Georgia at the end of the month. And I'm deluding myself if I ever think Pendomus could be something.

A month ago… this would have been devastating to me. And while, their words hurt, I know this person is wrong.

We have different philosophies about life.

To me, the unlived life is not worth living.

But because of that belief, I'm insane. Probably chemically imbalanced and need to be checked out. Because no one… no one in their right mind, would change their life if it wasn't working. I have children. How can I only think about myself?

I'm being illogical. 

Which is funny, when I think about it. There are many things I consider myself to be… crazy, may indeed be on that list… but illogical isn't one of them. (seems like a paradox, I know)

To this person, should you read my blog: I love you. But I don't agree with you.

Ultimately, we have to do what feels right in our own lives and that's not narcissistic or uncaring.

Sometimes it's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It's being the change you wish to see in the world. It's leading by example and not expecting others to follow.

Whether or not the people closest to us understand.

Whether or not… they ever understand.

What is happiness worth to you?