The Birth of Beta Reader Extraordinaire

So… there's this girl I met… waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy back when I was a youngun'. 

I think I described the experience. Yep, yessirie bob… I sure did. 

Right here.

Well, at any rate, that crazy woman has something special goin' on today. I can't remember what it is, but it's significant, I know it is. No, no… she's not having a baby. She did that already on April 4th. I don't think it's possible to have another one so close. Wouldn't that be something…?? I mean… talk about a feat. That's like lifting the Empire State Building or eating a whole bowl of ice cream in 10 seconds. 

Heehee… I mean… no… I don't think that was it.

It could be that she's planning to be the first woman to run around the world… backward. Or possible chew the largest wad of bubblegum… Make the craziest animal shaped pancake… Nah. I don't think that's it either.

*scratches head*

You know… maybe it was her magical skills at making it be the only NON-rainy day in a week. 

Just because. 

Yeah… yeah… maybe that's it. 

Hmmm… but then the question begs an answer… 

WHY?

Why a sunny day now? Why THIS day?

Must have something to do with all these candles exterminating the darkness...

Happy Birthday to my bestest friend. May her day be filled with light and laughter…

...and may I not get punched for being so obnoxious. HA!

LURVE YA, Beta Reader Extraordinaire! <3

Matter of Opinion

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what I should be doing. How I should be handling life.

And regardless of what I do, someone… somewhere… thinks I've done it wrong.

It's starting to get really flippin' old.


I'm continually pushed from all directions, squeezed until I can no longer breathe or find the oxygen I need to be me.

Instead, I become a shell of myself… keeping all but those on a "need to know basis" out of the loop and in turn, denying myself the ability to live life the way I would. The way I want.

Don't get me wrong. Some of the changes are wonderful. Some opinions matter more than others.

Overall, life has been fantastic.

But the last few days have been hard again. Maybe it's just growing pains. Maybe it's just a rebalance of energy… of life. People push and I have to find the strength to push back.

See, the stupid thing is, I get myself into this mess… because I care.

I care about my family's opinion. I care about my husband's opinion… my kids', my friend's. And when they clash in their opinion, no matter what I do, someone will be upset with me. And really… the only one hurt is me. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I choose-- even if I know it's right-- it will be somehow, some way… wrong.

After a while… it wears on you.

It's as if I'm not allowed to have my own opinion. My own life. Make my own decisions.

But I'm done with that.

This is my life.

The only opinion that matters in the end is mine. I will take all others into consideration, make no mistake.

But do not ever make me feel guilty for differing my opinion from yours.

It doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't make me wrong.

It makes me independent.

The Lucky 7 Meme & Excerpt from Pendomus

It's been a while since I was tagged in a fun Meme…  but today I was tagged by the lovely Abby Geiger and I thought this would be a fun one to play along with. 

The idea is to take either page 7 or page 77 of your current manuscript and give an excerpt for people to read. 

What I've decided to post is from page 7 of the very first chapter of Pendomus. Enjoy. 

                                                     -----------------------------

Maybe Baxten’s right. Maybe I’m broken.

I never should have told him of my plan to escape— to live in the woods. I suppose a part of me figured he’d be thrilled. Instead, he laughed at me.

"Right. You plan on going to live out there with the Morph? Its evolutionary leap defied nature. No one can predict what it's capable of now and no little girl is going to stand a chance against it. Not to mention, there's no RationCaps in the woods. It's not as if food grows on dead trees, you know."

Halting my progress to nowhere in particular, I crumple down, curling into a ball in the freezing snow. 

-----------------------------

So, here's the rules if you want to play:
1. Go to page 7 or 77 of your manuscript
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next seven lines or sentences
4. Tag 7 people

Here's my list of people I'm poking in hopes they also play along:

1.) Anita Howard

2.) Aryn Youngless

3.) Brett DaSilva

4.) Pavarti K Tyler

5.) Amber Sweeney

6.) Gina Penn 

7.) K. T. Hanna

Are you ready?

Prepare your brain

After discussing my last blog on writer's block with my husband, he brought up an interesting thought...

Perhaps the conventional idea of writer's block is all wrong.

What if it's just our brain's way of saying…

You're not ready yet.

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

I believe, particularly in our culture, we have a tendency to want to rush everything.
(Go, go, go…!)

Then, when burn out happens, shock sets in; i.e. How in the blue blazes can the flow just stop?!

The ideas and suggestions I received on I(dent)ity Crisis were helpful, though. In part, because, when I think about it, they were treating that exact problem in the correct manner. By focusing the brain and making it work for the solution.

My favorite was to close yourself in your bedroom and play music fitting to the scene you're trying to write. Watch it play out. Visualize it. Manifest it.

I do most of that normally anyway… but while writing. The idea of sitting in a room to ONLY visualize seems like a great way to reconnect to the world and I intend to try it out later today. However, in the vein of not forcing things to happen beyond their own time… I also want to allow for the flow to return on it's own accord. Meaning…

I'm open to... nothing.

Maybe I sit. I visualize and still, nothing happens. Maybe I get great ideas, but the writing doesn't hit the page. That's okay. Because it's in this realm of thought that I can find peace again.

I know this story will unfold.

When it's ready.

When I'm ready.

I(DENT)ity Crisis

I told myself I would maintain my sense of self. My writing. My creativity… during this identity change of mine.

Unfortunately, I have failed at some of that (so far).

And it's a hard pill to swallow. With my path transitioning from one form to the next, I've found myself floundering with writing, with creativity. I mean, how many times have I said that I would be finishing Pendomus by now? (Here's a hint; too many to count.)

The lull of my story… the melody singing in my soul... nearly faded to a dull whisper in the background because I didn't have the tools to call it back. Not yet.

I stopped worrying about everything beyond the immediate. Kids. Husband. Bills. Food. I suppose, in many ways, it was my mind's way of dealing... Retreating in on itself and going into protection mode. As I've stated before… there's been a backlash from my decisions, as I knew there would be. People who cannot or will not understand the drastic measures to which I've taken to live a happier life.

But that time has past.

Life has progressed and new routines are in the inklings of establishment. The new roadmap for the future is starting to unfold and I can see more clearly now. It's a relief because for a while, I worried whether I'd ever return completely to writing. But how could I get THAT far… the ending no less, only to let it go?

I continue to have pangs of guilt every time I workout and listen to Jillian Michaels say, "You don't stop before the finish line… that's when you break into a sprint."

Because I know I can do this. I know I can get it done…

but the writer's block has been brutal.

I've worked on Pendomus in small sections for months. It's only now that the ending is nearly in place now. My writing is starting to flow again. While I still haven't had the focus to make a large enough dent (at least in my mind), it's getting there. Closer… each time.

I'm getting ideas again. Seeing correlations in the day to day movements of life. Ways to incorporate them into my creative writing. And you know what? It feels good.

I've had some fantastic support in the form of betas - Pavarti, in particular, got my mind going again and I cannot thank her enough. The world has started to color itself again due to her feedback. Not to mention my wonderful husband and Beta-Reader-Extraordinaire. These are people I could not live without. Their love and support is invaluable.

I want to also thank each of you. Those who continue to support me, large and small, through the Facebook and Twitterverses. Right here on my blog. Your support means a lot.

Now… a quick question… What are your recommendations for overcoming writer's block? I need to get Pendomus done and make sure it's done right. Do you have any tips for blending two variations of the same end into one?

Hell, do you think it's normal to struggle so much during a life transition like mine?

The (un)Friend

Since my recent divorce and remarriage, I've had friends jumping the "Carissa friend-SHIP".

In all honesty, there hasn't been many… but there has been close friends-- people who I considered to be more like family have chosen sides when no one required it. I know I never did… For me, it wouldn't be fair to make friends choose between me and my ex-husband. It's childish and ridiculous. Besides, I don't dislike the man. I just didn't want to be married to him. There's a difference.

I've heard things like, "You didn't care what other people thought when you were getting divorced. You hid away because you knew I wouldn't agree with you… Why would you care now?"

or

"You've stood there, with your fists up, ready to knock anyone to the side if they don't blindly follow you."

The interesting thing is this…

I never expected people to blindly follow me. Nor to agree with me. My fists were and are always unclenched until someone directly attacks my character or my intentions without knowledge or justification. I never hid away, though, I will admit, for a time it was hard to get together with people. Not necessarily because I thought they might disagree with my life's direction… but because I was truly busy.

I had a new life to build. I had a new house to move into. I had to put my focus where it mattered most. Myself. My kids. My new spouse.

Everyone and everything else was, for lack of a better word, temporarily extraneous.

That included my blog. Facebook. Twitter. Even Pendomus.

Those friends who were true, understood the why.

Those who didn't, clearly were not.

Now that things have settled, I've been returning to a sense of normalcy. And extending my hand back out to friends and family previously outside my center of focus.

What I didn't expect was the hostility from those who I was mistaken about. Evidently, because I made a decision that was unpopular with them, I am no longer allowed to have feelings. About myself. About those around me. Because I wasn't as readily available, I was hiding. Yet, every friend who asked me to do something during my transition, I made time for if I could. If I couldn't, I offered suggestions for alternate times. Yet, that goes unnoticed.

If there's anything last year's narcissisticapades taught me, it's that people are going to form an opinion of you regardless of the truth. Regardless of YOUR own personal truth.

So, in times like these… when people cannot see who you are beyond their own perception, it's time to let them go. Transitions are funny like that. People come and go.

With this wave knocking a few people from the boat, there will be others, willing to climb aboard.

And with any luck, those who do, will be true.

Innamorati

Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love, 

time is eternity. 

~Henry Van Dyke

This day… this moment in time will be forever burned in my mind.

It's the moment when I walked a new path laid out for me… golden steps twinkling and cherubs singing… 

It was a moment I had not dreamed of. I hadn't known to. Hadn't realized could be.  

Yet… it was perfect in all it encompassed.

My new life started well before February 21st, 2012… It started the moment my now husband, Colin, wandered into my life. But this moment… 

This moment balanced it all. 

The ups and downs. The crazy with the serene.

This moment… was bliss.

February 21st, 2012. <3