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Friday, September 9, 2011

Standing Still to Bare My Soul


It's what happens with you're standing still.

And that's what I've been doing. Standing still.

My wheels are spinning with Pendomus and it's because my personal life is in chaos. I have a war raging in my brain and I can't… shake it.

So much in my life… has felt so empty for a really long time. Don't get me wrong… I love my kids, my family and friends… but there's been something missing that I've never quite been able to put my finger on. Looking back, I filled that void with many things. Even writing Pendomus.

Now… I fill the void with you. Twitter. My blog. The amazing new people I've met across the world. I didn't know just how connected I really was… until I met you. And… I started to understand what the void is.

You get me. 

The bat-shit crazy, wild-child-wannabe, me.

But there's a downside, too. With social media, like Twitter, it's hard to stay away from it. From the constant interaction. Particularly, because I have this sick obsession to interact. To be accessible. You've given me a taste of what it's like to really be… me.

It's kind of funny when you think about it…

A lot of people think social media is all fake. People in smoke screens and all full of shit. But I haven't found that. Most people are sincere and it's pretty easy to spot the ones who aren't.

When I got blindsided with the whole, narcissistic thing… it honestly only made things worse. Set me off on a tailspin and I'm still reeling. Probably because now, I feel like I'm not only misunderstood occasionally… I'm just really not understood at all. Because before… I had a clear intention. Plus, I don't have many people I can talk to about it, who aren't inside my computer. So, yea. That helps.

But... isn't that really what we're all searching for? To be understood?

Hell, to understand ourselves?

Does that make me narcissist? Or just plain old human?

I'd like to believe the latter.

My life is a mess right now… but it's nice to know I have you all out there.

And maybe… someday I will find a place in the real world to fit in.