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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A time to move forward and relinquish control

When all is said and done, will reach a word count of 28,339 for today.

I have taken on the NaNoWriMo challenge of doing 1,667 words a day for the goal of being at 50,000 words by month's end. Silly me, though, I'm just doing it for myself. I decided that the idea of being a part of the contest didn't appeal to me, just the challenge itself. So far, things are going great. Some days are harder than others to write, but I also find that once I get going, things are a lot easier than I originally thought they would be.

I have a storyline emerging... Characters I love... new characters on the way. I'm writing what will be somewhere around Chapter 13 right now. Seems to be a good time to reflect. Something about the number 13 does that to me.

While the writing side is going great and I am getting more of the details of my plot filled in, I find that I get stuck on a lot of the relationships. Not that I can't write it, but that I get lost in it. Some of my personal relationships as of late seem to have disintegrated and it's left me feeling a little bitter. A little empty. The odd thing is, they were never really relationships in the first place. They were just acquaintanceships with common interests. None of us got together outside of our obligations to whichever cause it was. We just were there for the cause. Now, those causes have taken side routes that I don't jive with and I'm left standing on the sidelines.

It's not all bad, though. Without this in my life, I don't think I would have had the moments of introspection that I've had. The ones that have ultimately led me here. To writing. But it still stings. Knowing that I have put my all into something, for what I deemed to be the right reasons... only to have that thrown aside for seemingly power plays.

I'm so sick of power hungry people.

People who want nothing more than to stroke their own ego, leaving a wasteland of talented people in their wake. People who just want control. I know that's part of my own ego talking. The one that wants to be recognized as a competent, dependable, creative.

Today, one particular group I had devoted two and a half years to, became an active member on their board even, up and got rid of a website I had painstakingly put together. They were virtually unheard of in our town. No one knew about them or even realized something like them existed. So I redesigned their look. Gave them new, vibrant colors. Redesigned their logo to be more modern and less... blah. And it worked. For a while. People were excited. It brought in others. It created interest, sparked debate. New members joined, new board members joined. We even moved. I put a lot of time, energy and even money into the cause. I treated them and the interest of the group almost as a child - a family member who I needed to make sure was taken care of. But I did so without the idea of anything in return. Perhaps that was naive of me. Call me altruistic, but I believed in the cause. Believed in what they stood for. I was there when the new managers were hired. I helped hand pick them. I helped get the new board members on; the ones who would turn out to be power hungry and self serving. The ones who ultimately would turn on me.

That makes me think of Joss Whedon's now famous line, "Curse your sudden, but inevitable betrayal!" LOL!

At least I can laugh about it. ;)

At any rate, this small thing, a new website (which I knew was coming, it was just a matter of time) has set something off in me. Before I can really devote myself to my book and specifically, the relationships in my book, I need to let go of the ones that are holding me back. The ones that I feel some small sense of betrayal over. I need to bless them on their merry way and learn from them. Both the good and the bad.

Perhaps they will even find a way to make it into my story. :)