Monday Ramblings...

Have you ever started off a week feeling… insignificant?

Well, that's me today. Bleh.

Life gets over-run with chaos. Time-munching activities eat away at the things that really and truly matter.

Since starting my new job, I've done a lot of internal assessment on what matters.

Family. Friends. Time with them.

Don't get me wrong… I enjoy my new job. It utilizes a lot of my capabilities. It challenges me.

But it does deny me the one thing I miss most. Time.

It's weird how you realize how much something matters when it's no longer there.

Yesterday, I had a horrendous headache most of the day. I plastered my butt to the couch and sat watching a Gilmore Girls marathon while my husband had an afternoon with his boys on Skype. Their mom doesn't want me talking to them anyway, so I thought it would make me feel better watching a show that makes me smile… hell, I needed a good laugh. But it didn't help. It made me think about my own life and the lack of true friends I have in it. The lack of community I have surrounding me.

Truthfully, I've never really had that, despite my deep desire for it. I've had people in my life, the illusion of friendship… But as soon as our relationship gets hard, or they don't agree with something, they disappear. I have very few people in my life who have managed to stay the course. Sherry, my beta-reader-extraordinaire is the only one.

One friend in all my years who has stood by me, despite falling out. 

Am I that hard to get along with? That hard to love?

Maybe so.

Maybe I expect too much?

In today's society, the condition is to be so busy you can barely find time to plan a meal, let alone time for a frivolous call a friend you've been thinking about.

Then put it into context - broader even… who am I to feel sorry for myself? I have a fantastic husband whom I love deeply. I see my kids half the week and get to physically hold them, kiss them. Things are finally getting easier financially, thanks to our new jobs…

I know I should count my blessings. I really do. But I wish I lived in a world like Stars Hollow. I wish I had people who stopped by unannounced, who knew where the coffee pot was and would make a cup before even letting me know they were over… People who called for no reason other than to chat and catch up. I wish I had people to laugh with, roll my eyes at and sometimes run from when I see walking toward me.

I don't know… Is that too much to ask?

Endings and Beginnings

Holy. Crap.

I think I'm done with Pendomus.

The ending of this book has been plaguing me for what feels like forever, dragging me along, limping and moaning as I try to break free of it and move forward.

Today, I finally put the past behind me.

Ironically, this day is an ending in many other ways. I'm leaving a job I've worked for the past 3 years to move on to something more in line with my history and background and tomorrow will be my first day. I'm on the precipice of this edge, no longer wishing to look back, but more than ready to move forward.

The job I leave behind was a good one -- allowing me to work with family and have my children with me. But it was not meant to be permanent. It was a holding pattern until I could find myself again.

Today, I take this moment to realize my accomplishments and all that I've managed to do in the past year. I'm finally able to let go of this story… let someone else take a closer look, so I can start writing my new story… the parts of Pendomus that haven't been written yet. The parts still locked up inside my mind.

Today I'm finally done with the past. Tomorrow, I begin anew.