Make Yourself

"If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow."

It's time.

Time to remove the unnecessary barriers and be myself again.

For the sake of others, I've remained distant. From Twitter, from my blog... Sometimes, from those closest to me. All because I wanted to ease them into the life changes I'm making... Trying spare the feelings of others because I understand that changes can be hard.

That time is over.

It seems, no matter what I do, it's not good enough, anyway. They're hell bent on searching it out and making problems where there were none, so here goes nuthin'...

My life these past few months has been AMAZING.

Say what??

Those of you who've been keeping up on my infrequent blogs (that will be changing soon, too) are probably aware of my divorce. 

What you may not know, is despite the mess that goes with it… 

I've had one of the most profound people I've ever met enter my life. 

He's been a shocking surprise, waking me from the crazy haze I've meandered around inside for so long. There are no words to properly express how much his presence has affected me. He's brought light into an area of my life that's been dark for more years than I can count.

Yet, the circumstances of our "sudden romance" are less than appealing to some of the people around me. They can't wrap their minds around it. 

First, timing. Yes, I admit it's not the best. But neither of us expected this. It was never meant to be anything beyond friendship. We weren't expecting what we found in each other.

Second, we met on Twitter and because he currently lives in England. 

"How could I meet him online and think I know him? Or be willing to have him enter my "real" life? Why would I be willing to take the risk?"

I get those questions and concerns. I do. 

But for me, I've always lived my life according to a very simple rule: Be adaptable. Be open.

Life is NOT about standing still. It's about flowing with the changes, the challenges that life gives you. Life is an adventure, meant to be embraced. As adults, too many people stick themselves into a box; unwilling to change or acclimate to anything new. In part due to fear.

And what purpose does that serve? 

If you can stop, look at fear logically, it's usually just a roadblock to getting what you really want. Sure, sometimes, its purpose is to get you out of danger and it should be taken seriously. But I'm talking the abstract, "WHAT IF", fear. 

Why is it everyone can ask, 

"What if he gets here, and you can't stand him? Why would you do it?"

but not

"What if he gets here, and you're blissfully happy?"

Because EITHER are possible. And I'm not gonna know until I've tried.

To those who are upset by this change; I'm sorry this isn't easier for you. I truly am. If there was a magic wand to wave, I surely would do it. Because each one of you deserves to be equally happy. But one thing I will no longer do, is stand idly by and take the brunt of your unhappiness. 

We each have a choice to be happy. 

I've made mine and I will stand proud behind it.

Embarrass Me[me] - Take TWO

Oh, dammit. I guess it's that time again… 


As promised last week, I have another installment of Embarrass Me[me]. All thanks to the insanely talented Ms. Midnight. Can you go poke her for me? Hard. 


RECAP: Lynn tagged me to do this Embarrass Meme thing… Long story short, I talk too much and turned it into a weekly thing until I have all seven done. Sound good? Sure. Why not? This week has sucked so royally, laughing at myself might just be a good thing. ;)

Back to...

2. Cutting my hair long

Yes, you read that right.

Now, as a child… this was one of those humiliating things I did that lingered well into my teenage years. For some reason it's had a death grip that could make prying Leonardo DiCaprio off Kate Winslet seem like melted buttaaahhh.

The first thing you have to understand… In my defense, I have always been an analytical person. ALWAYS. You must make sense to me or I will blow you off.

Webster FTW.

Picture it: I was a scrawny little four year old with blonde hair and an intense desire to leave it right where it was. On my head. I was trying to grow my hair out and I didn't see how cutting it fit into that plan. Smart, right?

So the setting takes place on a sunny Saturday morning... I was peacefully minding my own business (aka, not torturing my younger brother) and watching my favorite show at the time: Webster. --------->

My mother musta caught a whiff of unguarded whimsy and pounced.

"Carissa," she cooed, "I know you don't want to cut your hair short. But did you know, when you cut your hair, it makes it grow faster."

"Mmmmmhmmmm. Okay, Mom." I nodded. Webster had just gone behind the neat-o grandfather clock thingy that was a secret passage. It was soooo cool. (Man, I still want one of those.)

"Excellent!" she exclaimed.

I lowered my eyebrows and turned to face her. "Wait… what you say?"

"You agreed to get your hair trimmed." she smiled.

A look of panic replaced my whimsy and I started doing flashy jazz hands out in front of me. "No… no…"

"Really, your hair will grow faster if we cut it. We'll just do a little bit… just a trim and you'll see."

"Just a little?" (I was curious now. Mistake number one.)

Yes, because of the promise my hair would grow longer faster, I allowed the heinous act to take place.

The next morning… while lying in bed scheming out my day... my wheels started turning.

Analytical, overachiever, four-year-old me thought:

If trimming your hair makes it grow faster… Then CUTTING your hair will make it grow faster yet!

BRILLIANT!

Of course I knew where the scissors were. My parents had placed them in the tiny nook above the highest cupboard because of the last time I tried to cut my brother's hair.

The sun had just risen… Lucky for me, I was a morning person. And a climber. ;)

Wouldn't my parents be surprised when they saw how loooooong my hair was?

Thirty-five seconds later: After flinging back the cupboard doors and scaling Mt. McSuperHighCupboard, I had my beloved prize.

★˙˚★★My magic scissors of hair growth.★★˚˙★

How had I not known about this before?? I will be Rapunzel in no time, now!

I pulled out the chair into the middle of the kitchen, as my mother had done it the day before. (I needed to be all professional-like, you know.) Needless to say, my brilliant idea ended with my parents walking in on me with the scissors held high and my (longish) hair all over the floor.

I believe the first words out of my mother's mouth were: "What the [expletive deleted] are you doing!?" (You have to forgive her, she's not a morning person.)

My dad snickered.

So, here's the fun part… turned out: It was Easter Morning. 


The push to trim my hair was really so I looked presentable and not like the ferrel tomboy I was. (That worked out well.)

My mother, now with a look of death in her eye (it was twitching), promptly snatched my magical instrument and whipped the hair sheers out. Then, much to my dismay, she buzzed my entire head.

Evidently, she didn't like my snazzy tuft-o-stylage.

This now meant going to my family's Catholic Church, in my frilly Easter gown with a big-ass bonnet on my head to cover up the fact I had no hair.

It didn't help. I was still teased for being a boy in a girl's dress.

To a little girl. It sucked. 

To a teenager who's heard the story umpteen-million times…

It made you want to burn photos.

Moral of the story: Information is dangerous in the minds of a child. Use it with caution.

Shut up. Pixie hair is awesome.
(At least I didn't have to wear a bonnet.)

• Up next Friday...

3. Too much of Gramma is not a good thing

Embarrass Me[me] - Take ONE

Oh, god. I can't look.

I don't know why I do this to myself.
I must be a glutton for punishment. Yep, that's it.

So… here's the thing; Ms.Crazypants 
tagged me in another blog.

Something 'bout being on fire. ------>
(What's up with that?)

Now I'm supposed to come up with 7 embarrassing moments from my past.

Not quite sure how those two correlate or how I came about it… I think maybe Lyn was consuming a little too much alcohol at those belly-dancing Bulgarian night clubs she was chatting about.

As for me and MY embarrassing situations… 

I've either suppressed them OR I'm incredibly forgetful. Maybe both. (Was it the concussion?)

This is how bad it is, I had to inquire, NAY---> DEMAND stories from my friends and family, trying to jar my memory on stupid things I've done. After much prodding, I finally managed to compile my list of 7. Come to find out, my friends all seem to think I am either impervious to embarrassment or just really good at embarrassing them. HA! I guess that's not a bad place to be…

(You hear that CRIT gals… look out come Sept 29th. Eh-hem.)

Unfortunately… (or perhaps fortunately, I don't know) I'm too wordy for my own good. I've decided that since a human's attention span is approximately 3 minutes (thorough scientific research, you know), I'm gonna make this a weekly thing until I've got all 7… um, expunged from my memory banks permanently.

Here's numero uno on my damn list.

1. Boyfriend arrangement

True love on a bus.

So picture it… there I was, a timid little 8th grader sitting on the school bus, ready to get out of the hell-hole known as junior high. Despite popular opinion, I wasn't always the sexy, self-assured creature you have come to know and love. Alas, I was a geeky girl with a propensity for angsty poetry and drawing people who's eyes were far too big for their faces. (What, don't judge. I like eyes, okay? Psh.)

As the story has been replayed back to me; I had been flirting (albeit horribly) to a fellow geeky 8th grader of the opposite sex. (Eureka!). Now, at 13, or whatever god-awful age this was, I was floundering. Evidently, so was he.

 To my horror, A blonde beauty (with the cool permed hair I would have killed for back then) was seated in front of us and noticed the poor interplay. As if it wasn't bad enough to be an uber-geek, a complete stranger had to detect it. Oh, god. 

Crazy curly turned around and eyed the two of us mischievously with her wicked, multicolored eyes.
(Yes, they are TWO different colors, for realz.)

"Are you two going together?" She asked.

*Blank stares*

*swallow*

"Um, no." We both mumbled.

"Well, you are now." Curly declared. A scrawny finger was thrust through the air like a javelin at wide-eyed 8th grade boy. "Sit with her, already, would you?"

*blink*

*blink*

A smirk spread across her face and Curly sat back down.

You know what? It freakin' worked!

Once the crimson had faded from our cheeks, 8th-grade-deer-in-the-headlights-boy fumbled around for his backpack and moved over to my seat. It was love.

For all of three weeks. 

Love ya, curly girly!

Meh, it was 8th grade. What did you expect? That was long-term, man.

Ironical side note---> Crazy Curly turned out to be Beta-Reader-Extraordinaire. Huh.

Lesson learned: Love pops up unexpectedly.

~Occasionally in the form of nosy, curly-haired girls----------------->

• Up next Friday...

2. Cutting my hair long

(Yes, you read that right. I have the pics to prove it.)

I want to know the color of your soul, amongst other things. TAGAWARDS!

Translation: Try to be silly, dammit

The superbly funny & aspirational Lyn Midnight (of Lyn Midnight against the Odds) thought it would be an interesting test of faith er... brain power... to tag me on her blog today.  Since she just had a sooper cool interview over at Elizabeth Sogard's blog (HER FIRST EVER!), she's inspired me to follow through. 

Why?

Because I need to write something-- Lyn said so. 

I read it in that interview. 

Ordinarily, this is a bit of advice that I adhere to anyway. But my wee brain has been fried since the concussion-o-rama back on June 5th. (Though... my mind... or lack thereof... is returning and I don't think this excuse is going to pass gas-- uh, hold weight much longer. Or so I've been told.)

Anyhoo... Since Lyn is awesome, I've decided to comply. Why the hell not? Her questions alone are freakin' hilarious. 

I'm supposed to tag 8 cool peeps that I would like to know the answers to the off the wall questions that I've answered below... 

So here goes:

1. Kendall

2. Kara

3. Colin

4. T.S. Welti

5. Gina

6. Steven

7. Cherie

8. Anita

Tag! You guys are now it!

***

Crazy Questions

If you were a vampire, which celebrity would you first sink your teeth into?

If I were a vampire... would I care if I was sinking my teeth into a celebrity or the first dude that walked by? Somehow, I doubt it would matter.

Besides, celebrities live far, far away from the Soggy Marshlands of MN. It would take way too long, with way too much effort to locate a celebrity. Much less... uh, eat one. ;)

What’s your middle name? No, not your real middle name, your MIDDLE name.

The middle name bestowed upon me from my kick-ass CRITS group is Hummingbird. 

Carissa Hummingbird Elg.

Has a nice ring. Makes my short ass last name seem not so freakin' short. Nah, it really doesn't.

How about this: Seems docile and whatnot, doesn't it?  

Never underestimate the pervy power of women when they get together to bullshit. Yep, it's totally how we roll. Besides, you can't be a pompous ass about your own work when your middle name is Hummingbird and the lady next to you is Peacock. Know what I'm sayin'? Just not possible. 

You’re stranded on an island. There’s a monkey with you there, but he’s not too chatty. You also have a ball at your disposal. A ship passes by, but it’s daylight. How will you attract their attention?

Wait, wait... WAIT! Just one damn minute! There are crucial bits of information missing from this hypothetical!

A.) Did I CHOOSE to be on said island? 

The fact that we are trying to "attract the attention" of the ship implies not. But then again, "attract attention" doesn't imply -- "HEY! I want the fuck off this island!", either. I could just be, "Quick monkey, let's wave to the nice people on the ship!"

If I chose to be there, then I obviously don't care about the ship beyond the proverbial high-fiver. 

Now... If this was a LOST type deal... then, I think I have more reason for concern. There could be crazy beasties or weird people in hatches and shit like that. THAT implies "get me the fuck off this island!" In which case, I'd be searching for a way off long before said ship sailed by. Probably would have slaughtered said monkey and used his fat to light a fire on his bones. (No, not really. Yeesh, I can't even kill a freakin' spider-- I usher them outside, like the big pansy I am.)

Some balls aren't meant to be talked to.
Wait... what?

B.) What kind of monkey is it? Some monkeys are totally cool. The fact that he's not too chatty doesn't bug me. It would still be better than talking to a volleyball with a bloody freakin' face painted on it. Know what I'm sayin'? ;)

C.) What kind of ball is it? This seems important. Is it a beach ball? The dreaded volleyball? Or is it a damn golf ball? WHAT KIND OF BALL?!

D.) A ship passes by... You guessed it... What kind of ship? The RMS Titanic (in which case, I'm screwed) or is it some sort of creepy paddle type thing. The word ship implies big, so I'm going to throw out the paddle crap. 

God, I've totally forgotten what the hell we were talking about. 

Oh, right. 

Attracting the attention of the ship. Screw it, forget the monkey and the ball. 

I'd just go topless. That gets attention. Right?

What are you secretly afraid of? And what are you REALLY afraid of?

Secretly afraid of: Failure. 

REALLY afraid of: Sucking so bad that the entire universe implodes upon itself due to the awesomeness of my suckage. Ginormous Carissa Hummingbird Black Hole of DOOM!

Describe your best friend in five words.

Genius. Organized. Brave. Encouraging. Neurotic (like me!).

What’s your current favorite song? What about the annoying one stuck in your head?

Awake and Alive, by Skillet is hands down, my favorite song ATM. Not only does it resonate with my characters in Pendomus, but with me as a person. Plus, who doesn't love orchestra and metal? I mean, really!?

Annoying song: Born this Way, by Ms. Gaga. Damn thing gets stuck in my head at the most inopportune times. Probably because it sounds like every other song I grew up with all meshed together. 

                                                                                           

What’s the last movie you watched? Was it good? (Fishing for recommendations.)

Titanic. 

Of course, it was good. It's freakin' TITANIC. 

When it came out, I watched this sucker an obnoxious 10 times. In the theater. James Cameron, somehow managed to not only suck out my soul, but every last dollar from my wallet. 

Side note: I'm a total fibber. I actually worked for the local movie theater at the time and got in free. But even if I didn't I would've seen it an obnoxious 10 times. I've always been enthralled with Titanic. Always. 

I even gave birth to my daughter at the time the last of the lifeboats were being launched (April 15th at 12:45am) -- just 98 years later! 

Oh, my god. I'm such a geek.

***

About the 8

How did you meet #1?

Twitter, of course. I can't remember who "followed" who first. However, the first time Kendall's tourette syndromesque cock rants started flying, I knew we'd be fast friends. She's not ashamed to be herself and embrace her cockiness. ;)

What did you and #2 last talk about?

Critiquing stuff. Kara's a book blogger genius extraordinaire and I trust her wisdom. You should, too!

Would you want to be stuck on an island with #3?

OH! Colin's the monkey from the island question! That makes more sense! Wait, what? 

LOL!

All joking aside, Colin seems like a sooper nice guy. As long as he brought cake, we'll be juuuust fine. ;)

Does #4 remind you of someone?

Yep. T.S. reminds me a lot of me, actually!  I absolutely adore her. 

What was your first impression of #5?

"This woman is hilarious!" Seriously, Gina has a fun, fresh way of speaking! If you're not following her on twitter, you should!

From 1-10, how cool is #6?

Steven's pretty awesome. I'm gonna have to lay it down at a solid 9. He needs to chat with me more to bump it up to 10, though.

Why did you tag #7?

I tagged Cherie because this woman never ceases to amaze me. She's constantly on the go... Pin her down, quick! 

Do you want to thank #8 about anything?

I want to thank Anita for her utter kindness. She's probably the nicest person you will meet. And she likes cake as much as I do. Right, Colin? ;) 


BTW- this post has nothing to do with the color of my soul. But if I had to choose... it would be black. Why? Because in order to get black, you have to use every color in the rainbow. 

A little more about me...

Book Blogger extraordinaire and fellow Twitter Fiend Kara nominated me for a new award and evidently wants to know 7 more things about me. I'm not really certain I have 14 interesting things, but I've had just enough caffeine that I think I'll give it a go.

{Don't worry, my ordinarily ranty posts will resume in the next day or so, as I am beginning to feel somewhat human. :D }

Yay for colds! (No, not really... but I feel like if I wish them happily on their way, maybe they will listen?)

This is how this crazy bloggy award thingy is supposed to work:

1. Thank and link the person who nominated you (which I already did).

2. Share seven random facts about yourself.

3. Pass the award on to five new-found blogging buddies.

4. Contact the winners to congratulate them.

Like I said the last time, I know time is limited... Take this as the compliment it is and do with it what you will, my awesome nominated folks! (Keep reading to find out who they are!)

Anyhoo... 

7 more things, eh? Okay... here goes!

1. I don't like chocolate. It's weird, I know. A woman who really could give or take chocolate... But that's how I roll. For whatever reason, it's just sort of meh. I can take it or leave it and most of the time, I leave it. Especially if it's just straight up chocolate. Bleck. Now, add some caramel or sparkly something or others... I may give it a try. ;)

2. My favorite flower is the gladiola. Yeah... no funeral arrangement is complete without this flower. (What's up with that??) But I love them. They are simply amazing and don't stink up my whole house with some overbearing, nasty stench. (i.e. Easter Lillies) Besides, they're pretty.

3. My first concert ever was to go see Barenaked Ladies at the Excel Energy Center in Minneapolis a decade or so ago... 

You will notice these fine gentleman are not ladies. But they sure are naked. 

Not to mention, frickin' hilarious live.

4. When I was in preschool, my absolute favorite "station" was the hammer and nail station. I would hit those 10 very real nails with the heavy hammer over and over until I felt I had done each of them perfectly. (At least, according to my perfectionist 5 year old brain.) To this day, I love to build things. I love the accomplishment of turning nothing into something. Coincidentally, my husband gets out of a lot of household projects for this very fact. 

5. I freakishly love to mow. I think it goes back to the accomplishment thing. I like taking a tangled, overgrown yard and making it pretty. 

6. In the spirit of sorting things out... I will share a secret about my book: I did not do an outline. Now, I mapped and planned the world for a month before starting... I knew certain things that needed to happen (but not necessarily when) but I knew why. The rest of the story wrote itself. In fact, even some of my main characters, quite literally, popped into my head as I was typing. It was sort of a -- "Oh, who are you?" -- kind of feeling. But I found I liked it. By the time I got to the climax of the story, synchronicity that I couldn't possibly outline started to click into place. 

7. I'm a morning person. Always have been. I'm up between 5 and 5:30am to either sit down and write or workout. It depends on the day. However, I do not have the same bounce in my step to get up and workout that I have when I'm getting up to write. Huh... wonder why that is?

Anyway... here's the nifty award Kara bestowed upon me. (And some other amazing people who you simply must check out!)

Now, these are the 5 additional bloggers that I feel should acquire the same standing:

1. S.M. Reine (because her new book just came out and she's awesome.)

2. Kate Cox (because she's a dear friend and an awesome artist.)

3. Maggie Desmond O'Brien (because this 16 year old book blogger is smarter than most people I know.)

4. TL Jeffcoat (because he's awesome.)

5. Shay Millar (because he's a good friend and is working on his series right now - the Miasma Angels)

There you have it! You guys rock! 

Playing TAG--Seven Things You Didn't Know About Me

Some of my new blogger friends are playing this game and I thought "Why not?" It seems like a fun way to get to know you and in turn, for you guys to get to know me! :D

So, without further ado, I give you:

Seven Things You Didn't Know About Me

1. I never thought I wanted to be a writer, it kind of snuck up on me. Well, more like landed in my lap and slapped me upside the head, but okay. I have an aunt who is a writer and has struggled with it in some form or another her whole life. I didn't want to be that person. Obviously, as time has gone on, I realize I'm not her. I have different experiences and a completely different mindset.

Which leads me to...


2. I grew up in an eccentric house, with a fine artist for a mother and a down-to-earth bowler for a father. At least, that's how I perceived them as a child. Of course, my parents transcend both of those labels now, regardless of how much they still are both.

My middle brother was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor at the age of 2 (I was 5), so my world has always been a little skewed. However, it's been through this trial by fire that my fascination with how the brain operates was born. I'm absolutely enthralled with how we perceive the world around us. --Now, having just turned 30, my brother is still as obnoxious as ever-- but he's still around to be so.

My youngest brother is an Über genius (for the love of all that is holy, don't tell him I said so!) and is currently enrolled in the Physics program at the University of Minnesota.

Yes, that's us, circa 1985.

I really should replicate that hairdo some day, it's simply awesome. 

3. I have an obnoxious passion for the organics industry and eating right. (See also my obnoxious obsession with Jillian Michaels) For two years, I was on the board for our local Co-op and did most of the graphic design work. It was one of the few places I felt my talents were put to good use.

Which leads me to...


4. Three years ago, I went back to school to learn Communication Art. (Graphic Design) While I loved working in school, I found the real world of Graphic Arts to be stifling and manipulative. Neither of which I can handle. I'm a straight forward person with a creative edge and I just can't be put into a box where we want to control the masses. Besides that, I'm too much of a rule bender to make this work in the traditional formats.

Anyway... To this day, my husband's favorite piece that I did is this one:

We had to create a wine label for an assignment and after snooping around the local liquor stores, they all bored the hell out of me. I decided to be myself and go a little nuts. I drew the Banshee in Illustrator and went wild. Notice the organic label? See, told you I'm obnoxious. 

This actually won a Silver Addy Award in 2008.

Despite having forsaken the Graphic Design industry in lieu of writing, I still do web banner design on the side. So my own recent favorite is this one:

Those of you in the know, know why it had to be done. ;)

5. I actually inherited my mother's artistic abilities. When I went back to school for Graphic Design, I found that I have a knack for pastels. Who knew?

This also won a Silver Addy Award in 2008.

Yes, I'm a Whedonite and proud of it.

So did this one. 

This is a based off a picture of my son interacting with our crazy dog, Jedi. (Yes, that's his name.)

6. I love to be creative in just about any form. That includes interior design. When my son was born, I knew without a shadow of a doubt -- he was going to be a Harry Potter boy. (Much to the dismay of my Baptist mother-in-law, but that's a whole different story.)

This is my origination sketch for my son's nursery. No, none of the cutesy bugs and trucks. 

This kid was gonna love Harry, come hell or high water.

Lucky for me, now at 5 years old, the kid's as much in love with Harry's world as I was. He can't wait for bedtime so we can continue to read! (I think I must be doing something right)

My amazing acrylic-painting-fine-artist mother did the detail work for the mural--

The rest was me pretending I knew what the hell I was doing. ;)

My daughter, on the other hand, got the cutesy room. How could I resist fairies and trees, I ask you?

7. I'm openly Wiccan, however, not obnoxious about it. (See also: freakout of mother-in-law)

Every person has an obligation to utilize the philosophies at their disposal to rise above the chatter and find a way to your authentic self. I don't care what that is- as long as it means something to you. I'm not in your head or living your life. If that's Jesus or the Science textbook on your desk, so be it. Mine just comes in the form of the Wiccan philosophies... though, there are some who would look at my beliefs as not Wiccan at all. I tend to have an Atheistic slant and how can you be Wiccan and Atheist at the same time, right? Like I said before, I'm kind of a rule bender and I don't generally find myself needing to adhere the beliefs of others. I march to my own drummer and I'm damn proud of that fact.

As a side note: If you'd like to have a lively discussion about any of this, by all means! I do not however, take kindly to evangelizing. Be forewarned. I demand the same kind of respect you would expect for yourself.

So that's it! Carry on and have a lovely day!