I(DENT)ity Crisis

I told myself I would maintain my sense of self. My writing. My creativity… during this identity change of mine.

Unfortunately, I have failed at some of that (so far).

And it's a hard pill to swallow. With my path transitioning from one form to the next, I've found myself floundering with writing, with creativity. I mean, how many times have I said that I would be finishing Pendomus by now? (Here's a hint; too many to count.)

The lull of my story… the melody singing in my soul... nearly faded to a dull whisper in the background because I didn't have the tools to call it back. Not yet.

I stopped worrying about everything beyond the immediate. Kids. Husband. Bills. Food. I suppose, in many ways, it was my mind's way of dealing... Retreating in on itself and going into protection mode. As I've stated before… there's been a backlash from my decisions, as I knew there would be. People who cannot or will not understand the drastic measures to which I've taken to live a happier life.

But that time has past.

Life has progressed and new routines are in the inklings of establishment. The new roadmap for the future is starting to unfold and I can see more clearly now. It's a relief because for a while, I worried whether I'd ever return completely to writing. But how could I get THAT far… the ending no less, only to let it go?

I continue to have pangs of guilt every time I workout and listen to Jillian Michaels say, "You don't stop before the finish line… that's when you break into a sprint."

Because I know I can do this. I know I can get it done…

but the writer's block has been brutal.

I've worked on Pendomus in small sections for months. It's only now that the ending is nearly in place now. My writing is starting to flow again. While I still haven't had the focus to make a large enough dent (at least in my mind), it's getting there. Closer… each time.

I'm getting ideas again. Seeing correlations in the day to day movements of life. Ways to incorporate them into my creative writing. And you know what? It feels good.

I've had some fantastic support in the form of betas - Pavarti, in particular, got my mind going again and I cannot thank her enough. The world has started to color itself again due to her feedback. Not to mention my wonderful husband and Beta-Reader-Extraordinaire. These are people I could not live without. Their love and support is invaluable.

I want to also thank each of you. Those who continue to support me, large and small, through the Facebook and Twitterverses. Right here on my blog. Your support means a lot.

Now… a quick question… What are your recommendations for overcoming writer's block? I need to get Pendomus done and make sure it's done right. Do you have any tips for blending two variations of the same end into one?

Hell, do you think it's normal to struggle so much during a life transition like mine?

The (un)Friend

Since my recent divorce and remarriage, I've had friends jumping the "Carissa friend-SHIP".

In all honesty, there hasn't been many… but there has been close friends-- people who I considered to be more like family have chosen sides when no one required it. I know I never did… For me, it wouldn't be fair to make friends choose between me and my ex-husband. It's childish and ridiculous. Besides, I don't dislike the man. I just didn't want to be married to him. There's a difference.

I've heard things like, "You didn't care what other people thought when you were getting divorced. You hid away because you knew I wouldn't agree with you… Why would you care now?"

or

"You've stood there, with your fists up, ready to knock anyone to the side if they don't blindly follow you."

The interesting thing is this…

I never expected people to blindly follow me. Nor to agree with me. My fists were and are always unclenched until someone directly attacks my character or my intentions without knowledge or justification. I never hid away, though, I will admit, for a time it was hard to get together with people. Not necessarily because I thought they might disagree with my life's direction… but because I was truly busy.

I had a new life to build. I had a new house to move into. I had to put my focus where it mattered most. Myself. My kids. My new spouse.

Everyone and everything else was, for lack of a better word, temporarily extraneous.

That included my blog. Facebook. Twitter. Even Pendomus.

Those friends who were true, understood the why.

Those who didn't, clearly were not.

Now that things have settled, I've been returning to a sense of normalcy. And extending my hand back out to friends and family previously outside my center of focus.

What I didn't expect was the hostility from those who I was mistaken about. Evidently, because I made a decision that was unpopular with them, I am no longer allowed to have feelings. About myself. About those around me. Because I wasn't as readily available, I was hiding. Yet, every friend who asked me to do something during my transition, I made time for if I could. If I couldn't, I offered suggestions for alternate times. Yet, that goes unnoticed.

If there's anything last year's narcissisticapades taught me, it's that people are going to form an opinion of you regardless of the truth. Regardless of YOUR own personal truth.

So, in times like these… when people cannot see who you are beyond their own perception, it's time to let them go. Transitions are funny like that. People come and go.

With this wave knocking a few people from the boat, there will be others, willing to climb aboard.

And with any luck, those who do, will be true.

Innamorati

Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love, 

time is eternity. 

~Henry Van Dyke

This day… this moment in time will be forever burned in my mind.

It's the moment when I walked a new path laid out for me… golden steps twinkling and cherubs singing… 

It was a moment I had not dreamed of. I hadn't known to. Hadn't realized could be.  

Yet… it was perfect in all it encompassed.

My new life started well before February 21st, 2012… It started the moment my now husband, Colin, wandered into my life. But this moment… 

This moment balanced it all. 

The ups and downs. The crazy with the serene.

This moment… was bliss.

February 21st, 2012. <3

A World of Change

If someone told me a year ago…

I would be divorced, lost close friends over perceptions, living in my parent's second home and working with an immigration attorney because I'm about to marry a man originally from England, whom I happen to have met on Twitter…

I would have called the mental institution. 

But this is how my life has played out.

Don't get me wrong. I knew last year that things were not right in my previous marriage. I knew there were things I had to change in order to reclaim my own personal happiness. That's not to say that life was all bad, it wasn't.

But it wasn't satisfying.

It was missing something that my soul was longing for and I couldn't make that soul song quiet down. Something was pulling me… or rather, as time when on, it turns out, someone.

I met the most amazing man in the oddest of places - Twitter.

Since December, he's been in the United States with me. Unless you've experienced something like this, I cannot properly express how beautiful life has been with him. How seamless - even amidst the craziness. How in sync we are with each other. It's been as if we've known each other all along. There's been no question of "Is this right." Instead, we are just one day away from being married and I can't wait!

The past six months of my life have been a whirlwind. Or maybe just a complete daze.

Now that things are winding down, I'm allowing myself some time to look back. To reflect and recognize how far I've come. How far my life has come. How my world has changed.

Honestly, I'm surprised with myself. And actually, quite proud that what I've done; I've done for the right reasons.

So everyone involved -- not just me -- could be happy.

Even if for now, there is only a handful of people who see it… I know the truth inside myself.

There are, however, elements in this I could not have foreseen as I took those first few steps on this new journey... I've lost people I thought were close close friends because they couldn't look outside the box of what they deemed normality. Because they've wanted to choose sides when really, if they looked closer-- they would have seen that the only side is their own. What makes them happy. Did they want to maintain friendships between everyone? Or do they not. I'm not on bad terms with my ex. So I don't understand the desire to cast loyalties when none were being asked of anyone. Additionally, I've alienated myself from family members because of the same reason. Or perhaps, because they're too afraid to ask the question of why.

I've even had to step away from writing. Away from Twitter. Away from blogging.

At least, until I could wrap my head around all that's gone on. All that I am becoming. All that my world now entails.

I've tried to return to writing… but have failed at that. Mostly because my focuses are too spread out. My energies too scattered. Yet, somewhere underneath, I know that it's going to make a resurgence. I've felt it for a long while. The timing just wasn't right yet, no matter how much I tried to force it. Other areas needed my attention first. I get that now.

So, it is in this-- my last day before marrying the man who stole my heart and changed my world-- that I take time to reflect. To breathe life into my own life's story before moving forward into fiction.

Because I know that the pen of things to come lies waiting.

Tomorrow is just the beginning. <3

Humor Hiatus and a New Year's Resolution

Can your humor go on hiatus? 

Mine did.

Ordinarily, I consider myself to be an upbeat person. Funny, if only to myself… but it seems that in my life transition, my sense of humor wandered off and only recently have I been able to grasp at it again… pulling it by its pigtails and making it squeal.
I mean… uh…

Anyhoo...

Has this happened to any of you?

I suppose life turned too serious. People's feelings had to be accounted for. Logistical stuff needed to be sorted out. Hell, it still does. Then with the Christmas craze… gah.

Thank the lucky stars THAT'S over.

Now that it's all settling down… I've been finding the humor in things again. It helps tremendously when you have amazing people in your life that make you laugh.

My hope is that this time next year, things will be back on track… a feeling of normalcy returned and perhaps even Pendomus in the process of being published or HAS BEEN published.

Wouldn't that be something?

Speaking of Pendomus…

I've decided to set a New Year's Resolution and I want you, my invaluable reader, to hold me accountable…

Are you ready for it?

By the end of January, I will complete the last four chapters of Pendomus.


No more excuses, dammit.

Honestly, I think it will mean writing it from scratch (or at least a big chunk of it), but I'm cool with that. I have all the pieces I need and I will work from there.

But here's the thing, I need a cheerleading squad. People who cheer or egg me on or yell at me when I haven't made any damn progress.

Hell, I need a freakin' word counter or something for my blog… hmmm… I wonder if I can get that somewhere. Suggestions? Links?

Originally, I thought I would start over… you know… re-read from the beginning. Get a feel for the book again… work my way to the end. But instead, I think I might read the last 3 chapters and just hit the ground running. It's go time, baby. I have a month and THAT'S IT.

Alrighty, my fantastical fiends… wish me luck and bust out those pom poms, would ya? ;)

Calling Me Back

So much has happened in the past year.

My life barely resembles itself anymore. In many ways, I'm more than cool with it.

In others… I wish I'd maintained my drive.

Writing. <--------That's the big one.

Pendomus needs to be finished… as it has needed for the past couple months. Technically, I have only 4 chapters to tweak. FOUR.

That's all that is standing between me and the query process… and yet… I hesitate.

Can I even do it? Can I pick up where I left off and keep going? What if after all this time away… I've forgotten how? Can a writer forget? What if I'm the first? Oh, god… *hyperventilates* *searches for paper bag*

To my fellow writers… Has this ever happened to you? Life comes at you sideways and the amazing story you're working on has to be set down. Set aside until other, those more pressing issues have been dealt with?

How do you recover? What's your process?

A part of me wonders if I should just say SCREW IT!

No… not letting go of the story. But letting go of the other versions I've already written and just writing it fresh. I have two endings that need to be melded into this third and final version… in order be more cohesive. To be right.

The problem is… there are parts I really liked from those other two. Parts I wanted to make sure I kept… but it's blocking my creative flow and making it much harder to return to it than it should be.

On the upside… all this time away has me missing my world. Missing my characters... and that's been giving me new ideas. Book two is right around the corner… I can feel it. But I need to get this one out first…

So I guess I need some advice.

If you were me… chaos running amok… how would you look at Pendomus? What tactic would you take to accomplish the end goal of getting it complete?

Would you give yourself a timeframe… a deadline (oh, there's that dreaded word I've been missing all these months… Heehee)? Or would you just wait until a little more of the dust settles?

I need something reasonable to work towards! ;)

Make Yourself

"If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow."

It's time.

Time to remove the unnecessary barriers and be myself again.

For the sake of others, I've remained distant. From Twitter, from my blog... Sometimes, from those closest to me. All because I wanted to ease them into the life changes I'm making... Trying spare the feelings of others because I understand that changes can be hard.

That time is over.

It seems, no matter what I do, it's not good enough, anyway. They're hell bent on searching it out and making problems where there were none, so here goes nuthin'...

My life these past few months has been AMAZING.

Say what??

Those of you who've been keeping up on my infrequent blogs (that will be changing soon, too) are probably aware of my divorce. 

What you may not know, is despite the mess that goes with it… 

I've had one of the most profound people I've ever met enter my life. 

He's been a shocking surprise, waking me from the crazy haze I've meandered around inside for so long. There are no words to properly express how much his presence has affected me. He's brought light into an area of my life that's been dark for more years than I can count.

Yet, the circumstances of our "sudden romance" are less than appealing to some of the people around me. They can't wrap their minds around it. 

First, timing. Yes, I admit it's not the best. But neither of us expected this. It was never meant to be anything beyond friendship. We weren't expecting what we found in each other.

Second, we met on Twitter and because he currently lives in England. 

"How could I meet him online and think I know him? Or be willing to have him enter my "real" life? Why would I be willing to take the risk?"

I get those questions and concerns. I do. 

But for me, I've always lived my life according to a very simple rule: Be adaptable. Be open.

Life is NOT about standing still. It's about flowing with the changes, the challenges that life gives you. Life is an adventure, meant to be embraced. As adults, too many people stick themselves into a box; unwilling to change or acclimate to anything new. In part due to fear.

And what purpose does that serve? 

If you can stop, look at fear logically, it's usually just a roadblock to getting what you really want. Sure, sometimes, its purpose is to get you out of danger and it should be taken seriously. But I'm talking the abstract, "WHAT IF", fear. 

Why is it everyone can ask, 

"What if he gets here, and you can't stand him? Why would you do it?"

but not

"What if he gets here, and you're blissfully happy?"

Because EITHER are possible. And I'm not gonna know until I've tried.

To those who are upset by this change; I'm sorry this isn't easier for you. I truly am. If there was a magic wand to wave, I surely would do it. Because each one of you deserves to be equally happy. But one thing I will no longer do, is stand idly by and take the brunt of your unhappiness. 

We each have a choice to be happy. 

I've made mine and I will stand proud behind it.