A World of Change

If someone told me a year ago…

I would be divorced, lost close friends over perceptions, living in my parent's second home and working with an immigration attorney because I'm about to marry a man originally from England, whom I happen to have met on Twitter…

I would have called the mental institution. 

But this is how my life has played out.

Don't get me wrong. I knew last year that things were not right in my previous marriage. I knew there were things I had to change in order to reclaim my own personal happiness. That's not to say that life was all bad, it wasn't.

But it wasn't satisfying.

It was missing something that my soul was longing for and I couldn't make that soul song quiet down. Something was pulling me… or rather, as time when on, it turns out, someone.

I met the most amazing man in the oddest of places - Twitter.

Since December, he's been in the United States with me. Unless you've experienced something like this, I cannot properly express how beautiful life has been with him. How seamless - even amidst the craziness. How in sync we are with each other. It's been as if we've known each other all along. There's been no question of "Is this right." Instead, we are just one day away from being married and I can't wait!

The past six months of my life have been a whirlwind. Or maybe just a complete daze.

Now that things are winding down, I'm allowing myself some time to look back. To reflect and recognize how far I've come. How far my life has come. How my world has changed.

Honestly, I'm surprised with myself. And actually, quite proud that what I've done; I've done for the right reasons.

So everyone involved -- not just me -- could be happy.

Even if for now, there is only a handful of people who see it… I know the truth inside myself.

There are, however, elements in this I could not have foreseen as I took those first few steps on this new journey... I've lost people I thought were close close friends because they couldn't look outside the box of what they deemed normality. Because they've wanted to choose sides when really, if they looked closer-- they would have seen that the only side is their own. What makes them happy. Did they want to maintain friendships between everyone? Or do they not. I'm not on bad terms with my ex. So I don't understand the desire to cast loyalties when none were being asked of anyone. Additionally, I've alienated myself from family members because of the same reason. Or perhaps, because they're too afraid to ask the question of why.

I've even had to step away from writing. Away from Twitter. Away from blogging.

At least, until I could wrap my head around all that's gone on. All that I am becoming. All that my world now entails.

I've tried to return to writing… but have failed at that. Mostly because my focuses are too spread out. My energies too scattered. Yet, somewhere underneath, I know that it's going to make a resurgence. I've felt it for a long while. The timing just wasn't right yet, no matter how much I tried to force it. Other areas needed my attention first. I get that now.

So, it is in this-- my last day before marrying the man who stole my heart and changed my world-- that I take time to reflect. To breathe life into my own life's story before moving forward into fiction.

Because I know that the pen of things to come lies waiting.

Tomorrow is just the beginning. <3

This is my brain on drugs.

If I were on drugs, I'd look like this on a continuing basis. Just because it's funny. 
(This hilarity is brought to you from my daughter, who, ironically, was not on drugs. She's just strange.)

Anyway... 

Having this obnoxious cold thingy makes me think about the brain (of course!) and how we perceive the world around us. So many things influence the brain and how it can cognitively function. Though I've always been interested in this process, I've never been so aware of it in myself until I started writing on a daily basis.

Simple things, small things, affect how well I connect to my story:

• Not enough sleep      <------ Check out the studies that back me up!
• Forgetting to exercise
• Drinking too much coffee
• Not drinking enough water
• Having a drink the night before
• Taking cold or allergy medications

Just one of these alone can mess with how quickly my brain reacts to the world of Pendomus... Can you imagine when multiples are at play?

Sometimes I wonder if this idea of writers block really boils down to something this simple:

I'm not at my best today. 


So then I ask myself: Which areas of my life do I need to concentrate on in order to regain balance? I'll take a closer look at my week, for example, to see where I've been out of sync. Typically, it's because I've become neurotically obsessed and have forgotten to do something simple, like feed myself.


I've been sick on and off for the past month-- which has become increasingly annoying. (Thank you small children in school and seasonal allergies!) There have been a couple times when I've finally given in and taken cold medicine. Every time, I feel like being up and dressed is about the best I can manage and it's not a good way for me to meet my goddamn deadline. Not to mention, slacking off is not something I enjoy. I'm a doer and I don't feel right (on whole) when I'm not DOING. 


However, I know there are times when that's exactly what I need. A complete and total lack of doing. Why? Balance. Generally speaking, life is about this often elusive balance thing. Finding that awesome blend between work and play. Between enough and excess... 


When I go overboard in one direction or another, it's like my subconscious way of bringing me back around. A problem manifests physically (like low immunity) or outwardly (like a crazy ass disaster of a house) and at some point you reach a precipice and need to either back off or drop over the edge. 


Do any of you ever feel this way? Wonder how your actions in the moment, hell even the night before, are affecting your day today? Am I the only strange one to watch for these patterns and notice the difference? 


Though I've struggled with this lack of doing for the past weekend, it was the best thing I could've done. Sometimes, when you just let go -- that's when you find what you're really seeking. Out of nowhere a new pattern emerged and I saw a new ending to my story - one that's so perfect, I don't know how I missed it before. Probably because all it boils down to is sequence. I had all the pieces, they were just in the wrong order!

Now, I'm in the process of correcting that and I think, in the end, it will make for a better book.

Plus, I'm off the DayQuil, on the writing sprint toward the finish line and come Hell or High Water, I will reach that goddamn deadllne. ;)

The Wonders of Writing

It never ceases to amaze me how much of a release writing a novel has been for me. Before I started this journey, it never occurred to me just how many pent up thoughts, feelings and messages I carried around with me.

Every day is a new day. Some days I've written less than a paragraph, others days-- entire chapters. Sometimes even more than that. But the thing that has remained constant since last November is the habit of writing.

I've gotten up nearly every day at 5am to sit down and write. Why 5am? Because I'm so far from a night owl, it's practically ridiculous. Plus, I have small kids. It helps that I find the wee hours of the morning is when my brain is functioning optimally for my creative flow. Especially if I've managed to get enough sleep the night before. Additionally, I still work 2 other jobs and as much as I'd like to focus solely on writing, it can't happen. Not yet. (Fingers crossed for the future, though.)

Another fascinating thing to me, is in this short amount of time (6 months), I've noticed the internal ups and downs within my own mind. How too little sleep affects my writing-- or not enough water. If I try to skip workouts or had a drink the night before. If I'm sick or I'm not being present enough with my kids. Even if I become too obsessed, spending too much time in my world of Pendomus. There have been times when that world has seemed more enticing to be in than the real one! The characters are so real and so loud in my head some days that I can't seem to make them stop talking, even if I tried.

But it's this journey of writing that amazing me. How it's brought into sharp focus the need for balance. Balance in writing, balance in home life. Balance in EVERY aspect of life. Something as seemingly insignificant as not drinking water can mess with my brain -- and I've noticed! It's revealed so much about the inner workings an makeup of my mind and for that, I'm extremely grateful.

Even if my book were never to be published, I can take heart in the fact that it's brought me into focus. Probably better than any other single thing I've done.

Of course, the optimist in me really hopes that you all will love my world as much as I do.

And I think you will. ;)