A World of Change

If someone told me a year ago…

I would be divorced, lost close friends over perceptions, living in my parent's second home and working with an immigration attorney because I'm about to marry a man originally from England, whom I happen to have met on Twitter…

I would have called the mental institution. 

But this is how my life has played out.

Don't get me wrong. I knew last year that things were not right in my previous marriage. I knew there were things I had to change in order to reclaim my own personal happiness. That's not to say that life was all bad, it wasn't.

But it wasn't satisfying.

It was missing something that my soul was longing for and I couldn't make that soul song quiet down. Something was pulling me… or rather, as time when on, it turns out, someone.

I met the most amazing man in the oddest of places - Twitter.

Since December, he's been in the United States with me. Unless you've experienced something like this, I cannot properly express how beautiful life has been with him. How seamless - even amidst the craziness. How in sync we are with each other. It's been as if we've known each other all along. There's been no question of "Is this right." Instead, we are just one day away from being married and I can't wait!

The past six months of my life have been a whirlwind. Or maybe just a complete daze.

Now that things are winding down, I'm allowing myself some time to look back. To reflect and recognize how far I've come. How far my life has come. How my world has changed.

Honestly, I'm surprised with myself. And actually, quite proud that what I've done; I've done for the right reasons.

So everyone involved -- not just me -- could be happy.

Even if for now, there is only a handful of people who see it… I know the truth inside myself.

There are, however, elements in this I could not have foreseen as I took those first few steps on this new journey... I've lost people I thought were close close friends because they couldn't look outside the box of what they deemed normality. Because they've wanted to choose sides when really, if they looked closer-- they would have seen that the only side is their own. What makes them happy. Did they want to maintain friendships between everyone? Or do they not. I'm not on bad terms with my ex. So I don't understand the desire to cast loyalties when none were being asked of anyone. Additionally, I've alienated myself from family members because of the same reason. Or perhaps, because they're too afraid to ask the question of why.

I've even had to step away from writing. Away from Twitter. Away from blogging.

At least, until I could wrap my head around all that's gone on. All that I am becoming. All that my world now entails.

I've tried to return to writing… but have failed at that. Mostly because my focuses are too spread out. My energies too scattered. Yet, somewhere underneath, I know that it's going to make a resurgence. I've felt it for a long while. The timing just wasn't right yet, no matter how much I tried to force it. Other areas needed my attention first. I get that now.

So, it is in this-- my last day before marrying the man who stole my heart and changed my world-- that I take time to reflect. To breathe life into my own life's story before moving forward into fiction.

Because I know that the pen of things to come lies waiting.

Tomorrow is just the beginning. <3

Humor Hiatus and a New Year's Resolution

Can your humor go on hiatus? 

Mine did.

Ordinarily, I consider myself to be an upbeat person. Funny, if only to myself… but it seems that in my life transition, my sense of humor wandered off and only recently have I been able to grasp at it again… pulling it by its pigtails and making it squeal.
I mean… uh…

Anyhoo...

Has this happened to any of you?

I suppose life turned too serious. People's feelings had to be accounted for. Logistical stuff needed to be sorted out. Hell, it still does. Then with the Christmas craze… gah.

Thank the lucky stars THAT'S over.

Now that it's all settling down… I've been finding the humor in things again. It helps tremendously when you have amazing people in your life that make you laugh.

My hope is that this time next year, things will be back on track… a feeling of normalcy returned and perhaps even Pendomus in the process of being published or HAS BEEN published.

Wouldn't that be something?

Speaking of Pendomus…

I've decided to set a New Year's Resolution and I want you, my invaluable reader, to hold me accountable…

Are you ready for it?

By the end of January, I will complete the last four chapters of Pendomus.


No more excuses, dammit.

Honestly, I think it will mean writing it from scratch (or at least a big chunk of it), but I'm cool with that. I have all the pieces I need and I will work from there.

But here's the thing, I need a cheerleading squad. People who cheer or egg me on or yell at me when I haven't made any damn progress.

Hell, I need a freakin' word counter or something for my blog… hmmm… I wonder if I can get that somewhere. Suggestions? Links?

Originally, I thought I would start over… you know… re-read from the beginning. Get a feel for the book again… work my way to the end. But instead, I think I might read the last 3 chapters and just hit the ground running. It's go time, baby. I have a month and THAT'S IT.

Alrighty, my fantastical fiends… wish me luck and bust out those pom poms, would ya? ;)

Calling Me Back

So much has happened in the past year.

My life barely resembles itself anymore. In many ways, I'm more than cool with it.

In others… I wish I'd maintained my drive.

Writing. <--------That's the big one.

Pendomus needs to be finished… as it has needed for the past couple months. Technically, I have only 4 chapters to tweak. FOUR.

That's all that is standing between me and the query process… and yet… I hesitate.

Can I even do it? Can I pick up where I left off and keep going? What if after all this time away… I've forgotten how? Can a writer forget? What if I'm the first? Oh, god… *hyperventilates* *searches for paper bag*

To my fellow writers… Has this ever happened to you? Life comes at you sideways and the amazing story you're working on has to be set down. Set aside until other, those more pressing issues have been dealt with?

How do you recover? What's your process?

A part of me wonders if I should just say SCREW IT!

No… not letting go of the story. But letting go of the other versions I've already written and just writing it fresh. I have two endings that need to be melded into this third and final version… in order be more cohesive. To be right.

The problem is… there are parts I really liked from those other two. Parts I wanted to make sure I kept… but it's blocking my creative flow and making it much harder to return to it than it should be.

On the upside… all this time away has me missing my world. Missing my characters... and that's been giving me new ideas. Book two is right around the corner… I can feel it. But I need to get this one out first…

So I guess I need some advice.

If you were me… chaos running amok… how would you look at Pendomus? What tactic would you take to accomplish the end goal of getting it complete?

Would you give yourself a timeframe… a deadline (oh, there's that dreaded word I've been missing all these months… Heehee)? Or would you just wait until a little more of the dust settles?

I need something reasonable to work towards! ;)

Make Yourself

"If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow."

It's time.

Time to remove the unnecessary barriers and be myself again.

For the sake of others, I've remained distant. From Twitter, from my blog... Sometimes, from those closest to me. All because I wanted to ease them into the life changes I'm making... Trying spare the feelings of others because I understand that changes can be hard.

That time is over.

It seems, no matter what I do, it's not good enough, anyway. They're hell bent on searching it out and making problems where there were none, so here goes nuthin'...

My life these past few months has been AMAZING.

Say what??

Those of you who've been keeping up on my infrequent blogs (that will be changing soon, too) are probably aware of my divorce. 

What you may not know, is despite the mess that goes with it… 

I've had one of the most profound people I've ever met enter my life. 

He's been a shocking surprise, waking me from the crazy haze I've meandered around inside for so long. There are no words to properly express how much his presence has affected me. He's brought light into an area of my life that's been dark for more years than I can count.

Yet, the circumstances of our "sudden romance" are less than appealing to some of the people around me. They can't wrap their minds around it. 

First, timing. Yes, I admit it's not the best. But neither of us expected this. It was never meant to be anything beyond friendship. We weren't expecting what we found in each other.

Second, we met on Twitter and because he currently lives in England. 

"How could I meet him online and think I know him? Or be willing to have him enter my "real" life? Why would I be willing to take the risk?"

I get those questions and concerns. I do. 

But for me, I've always lived my life according to a very simple rule: Be adaptable. Be open.

Life is NOT about standing still. It's about flowing with the changes, the challenges that life gives you. Life is an adventure, meant to be embraced. As adults, too many people stick themselves into a box; unwilling to change or acclimate to anything new. In part due to fear.

And what purpose does that serve? 

If you can stop, look at fear logically, it's usually just a roadblock to getting what you really want. Sure, sometimes, its purpose is to get you out of danger and it should be taken seriously. But I'm talking the abstract, "WHAT IF", fear. 

Why is it everyone can ask, 

"What if he gets here, and you can't stand him? Why would you do it?"

but not

"What if he gets here, and you're blissfully happy?"

Because EITHER are possible. And I'm not gonna know until I've tried.

To those who are upset by this change; I'm sorry this isn't easier for you. I truly am. If there was a magic wand to wave, I surely would do it. Because each one of you deserves to be equally happy. But one thing I will no longer do, is stand idly by and take the brunt of your unhappiness. 

We each have a choice to be happy. 

I've made mine and I will stand proud behind it.

I needed something to sing about.

Life is crazy at the moment… not necessarily in a bad way, just… different. It's more of a; complete flux and trying to find a new state of homeostasis kinda thing. Some areas have, amidst the chaos… been really, really good.

It's strange, because I've found that life doesn't hand you what you want, it hands you what you need.

For the longest time, though I didn't realize it at first… I've been going through the motions. I'm not sure where it all happened. Hell, not even sure WHY it happened. I just know it did.



But I woke up one morning early this year, wondering…

Is this all there is? 

Have you ever gotten like this?

It took me most of the year to process. To really wrap my head around why I was dissatisfied with the state of my life.

I felt frozen.

Frozen in time. Frozen in heart. Frozen… even in mind.

I know I talked about the fact that my husband and I have separated and are going through a divorce. And while the upheaval of that has been, at times, a bit crazy… the energy is moving again.


I'm moving again…

Literally, even. I'm in the midst of moving into a house that needs renovations done. So, my time and energy has been spent getting that prepared.

However, I'm starting to get new ideas for book 2… I've taken notes and gotten them logged… but as of yet, I still need to finish the last 4 chapters of book 1. Until this moving process is finished, I know I won't be able to get back into the world and devote the time I need to to write. But I can feel Pendomus… in the back of my mind, growing strength again. Even though I can't get to it yet, knowing that it's percolating there… it gives me hope.

But what I lack in writing, I've been gaining in inner peace.

I have one person to thank for that. One person that has helped me open my eyes to all the possibilities the future can still hold and his wisdom means more than I can ever properly express.

To bring this post full (Buffy) circle…

Turns out,

I just needed something to sing about. 

I really hope "normal" isn't contagious.

I find it intriguing the way people behave, myself included.

For years and years, I struggled onward daily… doing what was expected of me. What I thought people wanted…

What I thought I wanted…

This year, while writing Pendomus, many things have come into sharp focus. One of them, is this concept of being happy.


While I enjoy the person I've become… the interests I have, writing, the way I work, etc…

I've longed for more.

Yet… the people around me have often times pulled me back; "Want MORE? Why can't you just be happy with what you have?"

Here's the thing… I am not a statue. I am ever changing… and being in that state of evolution, how can I possibly stay happy without embracing the changes? Without searching for more? Without seeing how I've evolved and incorporating it into the way I think/want/act?

Life is a journey… meant to be walked with eyes wide open.

So many people, live their lives, every single day… without being present. Without… being.

That's not me.

I hope that's NEVER me.

I want to continue my life, seeing all the possibilities… seeing how I can make anything work. Even my challenges.

Going through a divorce, and seeing first hand the devastation, hasn't been an easy thing. It's probably been the most challenging thing I've ever faced. However, I'm walking through it with a clear head (at least, most of the time) and that makes it easier. I can see a bigger picture than what's happening right now… and yet, I am still allowing myself to be fully present in this moment of change.

Some people find it cliche… and maybe it is… but… things happen for a reason. I truly believe that and see the patterns in it. Maybe not necessarily the "God has a plan for us" kinda a way… but in the "Our lives unfold as they should" kinda way. And perhaps even that really is just a play on semantics.

People enter and exist as they should… There are lessons we all bring to each other… Even adversity makes us stronger… Yet, for some reason, people are afraid of change. Why?

Why is humanity perfectly accepting of a completely predictable existence? I don't get that.

Where's the fun? The challenge? The lesson?

Can we truly be alive if we never really live?

If this life… this one moment in time… is all we ever have… why are we wasting it?

My advice? Get out there and live. Chase down whatever brings you joy and makes you happy.

There's no time like the present.

There's a wagon here…somewhere...

I know there is. 

After months of turmoil… things being flipped upside down… technically, still amidst the chaos... I've decided to get back on my writing wagon.

Somewhere along the way, I fell off. But Pendomus has been patiently waiting. As I knew it would.

Things needed to be taken care of… still do. But my mind needed clearing before I could re-enter the story. A real-life direction needed to be taken.

Now that it has, I feel… at least in some part, I can reclaim my title of author and readjust my hat. It's been a bit lopsided and I couldn't see clearly enough to write.

Life is interesting to me that way…

I was soooooo focused. Driven.

And just when you think you have it all figured out… life comes at you sideways and you have to take a step back. A time to reflect. And a time to embrace the changes.

This isn't going to be a simple process. Nor a simple year.

But the one thing I do know, without a doubt…

Pendomus MUST be finished.

And it must be now.