MISSING: Time

Wow, writing and editing when you have a day job is hard. 


Honestly, I never thought it would be. I knew I would have less time… sure. That's obvious. But I never expected the soul crushing lack of energy that comes with it. 


Since starting my job, I've had absolutely no motivation to write. 


I've gotten feedback on Pendomus from some of my dear friends and fellow authors, Pavarti and T.S. Welti. They inspire me to get back to it. To find the time to write and edit. With some fantastic feedback from each, I feel like I can really do that. If only...


Time has been sticking out its tongue at me, fingerstips crammed into its ears saying, "Na-nananana! Yooooou can't catch me!"


I know I was lucky before to have time on my side. To be able to write during the day and make it my focus. Now, I have a lot to juggle inside that little bubble and so far… I've been failing at including writing into it.


I am also acutely aware that my plight is not mine alone. Many artists and authors work day jobs to support their artistry. I've heard to work on my lunch break, but I am already working out then… Or write when the kids are in bed, however, at that time my brain has all but shut down. My plan is to start getting up and hour earlier to write. That worked for me a year ago… I think it will work again now. 


But I have to come up with a game plan. To be completely honest with myself, I'm getting bored with Pendomus, book 1. I've been living it for nearly 2 years. While I know there are things to change and edit, I am giving it up for a while. 


Yes, you read that right. I GIVE UP. -- Just not like that. I give up trying to make Book 1 perfect before moving forward. Sometimes, I think it's okay to move forward while some things are still unresolved. Who knows? It may make for a better series if I can see more into the future of it. 


So, with that in mind, I am stepping out of book 1 to start book 2. 


I will hold all of my critiques and beta suggestions for when I can do them all at once. What do you think? Am I insane?


To those of you working, how do you manage? Do you have any tips? How do you stay motivated and focused?

Monday Ramblings...

Have you ever started off a week feeling… insignificant?

Well, that's me today. Bleh.

Life gets over-run with chaos. Time-munching activities eat away at the things that really and truly matter.

Since starting my new job, I've done a lot of internal assessment on what matters.

Family. Friends. Time with them.

Don't get me wrong… I enjoy my new job. It utilizes a lot of my capabilities. It challenges me.

But it does deny me the one thing I miss most. Time.

It's weird how you realize how much something matters when it's no longer there.

Yesterday, I had a horrendous headache most of the day. I plastered my butt to the couch and sat watching a Gilmore Girls marathon while my husband had an afternoon with his boys on Skype. Their mom doesn't want me talking to them anyway, so I thought it would make me feel better watching a show that makes me smile… hell, I needed a good laugh. But it didn't help. It made me think about my own life and the lack of true friends I have in it. The lack of community I have surrounding me.

Truthfully, I've never really had that, despite my deep desire for it. I've had people in my life, the illusion of friendship… But as soon as our relationship gets hard, or they don't agree with something, they disappear. I have very few people in my life who have managed to stay the course. Sherry, my beta-reader-extraordinaire is the only one.

One friend in all my years who has stood by me, despite falling out. 

Am I that hard to get along with? That hard to love?

Maybe so.

Maybe I expect too much?

In today's society, the condition is to be so busy you can barely find time to plan a meal, let alone time for a frivolous call a friend you've been thinking about.

Then put it into context - broader even… who am I to feel sorry for myself? I have a fantastic husband whom I love deeply. I see my kids half the week and get to physically hold them, kiss them. Things are finally getting easier financially, thanks to our new jobs…

I know I should count my blessings. I really do. But I wish I lived in a world like Stars Hollow. I wish I had people who stopped by unannounced, who knew where the coffee pot was and would make a cup before even letting me know they were over… People who called for no reason other than to chat and catch up. I wish I had people to laugh with, roll my eyes at and sometimes run from when I see walking toward me.

I don't know… Is that too much to ask?

Endings and Beginnings

Holy. Crap.

I think I'm done with Pendomus.

The ending of this book has been plaguing me for what feels like forever, dragging me along, limping and moaning as I try to break free of it and move forward.

Today, I finally put the past behind me.

Ironically, this day is an ending in many other ways. I'm leaving a job I've worked for the past 3 years to move on to something more in line with my history and background and tomorrow will be my first day. I'm on the precipice of this edge, no longer wishing to look back, but more than ready to move forward.

The job I leave behind was a good one -- allowing me to work with family and have my children with me. But it was not meant to be permanent. It was a holding pattern until I could find myself again.

Today, I take this moment to realize my accomplishments and all that I've managed to do in the past year. I'm finally able to let go of this story… let someone else take a closer look, so I can start writing my new story… the parts of Pendomus that haven't been written yet. The parts still locked up inside my mind.

Today I'm finally done with the past. Tomorrow, I begin anew.

A Beautiful Lie

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm some freakish anomaly.

When people completely support me, telling me the things I think I want to hear… ("You can do it!")

… *sigh* … It's when I struggle most.

It's like there's an internal switch that goes… "Oh. Well, I guess I won't surprise anybody by doing ______."

And truth be told, I loooooove to surprise people.

Probably because I love to be surprised.

If there's one thing that doesn't happen enough in this world, it's surprises.

At least, not in intentional kind.

Since setting my deadline to finishing the last chapter - I have worked on it. But I haven't finished the edit. My goddamn deadline of finishing the whole enchilada (meaning, the ending) by the end of the month still holds… but I've been regrouping. Reorganizing my brain. 

I realized my notes for Pendomus where one big cluster of snarly-gnarly crap. Along with my folder on my desktop. So, I did what any sane person would do… I took a day to reorganize.

I looked at a bazillion notes. A bazillion and two folders. Nine-thousand pictures (no, not really that many… yeesh!).

Evernote is my brain.

But I DID listen to close to 150 voice recordings that I'd taken of myself… rambling on like a lunatic. (I swear, if I say "obviously" one more time in a recording, I'm gonna shoot myself.) I've regrouped my entire list of stuff, separating it into manageable packets of information. I've even instilled the help of Evernote.

Mindnode rocks the
brainstorming scene!

(What can I say? I outgrew pieces of paper and an excel spreadsheet. HA!)

With Evernote, I can organize my thoughts more effectively and find them at quicker speed. Whoever invented that program is a GENIUS! Combine that with MindNode Pro and I am in BUSINESS!


But… that still leaves me with this looming deadline and at least 2 1/2 chapters to rework/rewrite before July 1.

So, with that in mind…

Could someone tell me it's impossible, so I can get on with it and prove you wrong??

Platform Plateau

I've lost it. Oh, gawd…

No, no… my brain seems to be back after a year on hiatus.

Gee, I wish I could add a sound effect.

Unfortunately, however, my platform motivation is gone.

I don't know what it is… maybe life getting in the way. Perhaps boredom in the same stuff. Twitter, facebook, blog… only to start over again.

Maybe, I just don't have much to say.

Whatever the reason… my heart or my shoes… Wait, no, that's not it. *scratches head* Different story. Heehee...

Anyhoo… I need to regain my role as an author. Reclaim my voice.

So… it's within that sentiment, I reinstate yet another…


Goddamn Deadlines.

Yep.

That.

I'm in the final chapters. The "big battle", as it were. This is not the time to be all namby pamby about finishing.

As Jillian would say, "You don't get to the ending and quit. The end is when you finish, STRONG."

So, suck it up, buttercup and here we go…

My latest deadline will be as follows:

I WILL finish editing and writing the final battle by Saturday, June 9th.

And be completely done with editing and writing Pendomus as a whole by Saturday, June 30th.

Wish me luck!

The Birth of Beta Reader Extraordinaire

So… there's this girl I met… waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy back when I was a youngun'. 

I think I described the experience. Yep, yessirie bob… I sure did. 

Right here.

Well, at any rate, that crazy woman has something special goin' on today. I can't remember what it is, but it's significant, I know it is. No, no… she's not having a baby. She did that already on April 4th. I don't think it's possible to have another one so close. Wouldn't that be something…?? I mean… talk about a feat. That's like lifting the Empire State Building or eating a whole bowl of ice cream in 10 seconds. 

Heehee… I mean… no… I don't think that was it.

It could be that she's planning to be the first woman to run around the world… backward. Or possible chew the largest wad of bubblegum… Make the craziest animal shaped pancake… Nah. I don't think that's it either.

*scratches head*

You know… maybe it was her magical skills at making it be the only NON-rainy day in a week. 

Just because. 

Yeah… yeah… maybe that's it. 

Hmmm… but then the question begs an answer… 

WHY?

Why a sunny day now? Why THIS day?

Must have something to do with all these candles exterminating the darkness...

Happy Birthday to my bestest friend. May her day be filled with light and laughter…

...and may I not get punched for being so obnoxious. HA!

LURVE YA, Beta Reader Extraordinaire! <3

Matter of Opinion

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what I should be doing. How I should be handling life.

And regardless of what I do, someone… somewhere… thinks I've done it wrong.

It's starting to get really flippin' old.


I'm continually pushed from all directions, squeezed until I can no longer breathe or find the oxygen I need to be me.

Instead, I become a shell of myself… keeping all but those on a "need to know basis" out of the loop and in turn, denying myself the ability to live life the way I would. The way I want.

Don't get me wrong. Some of the changes are wonderful. Some opinions matter more than others.

Overall, life has been fantastic.

But the last few days have been hard again. Maybe it's just growing pains. Maybe it's just a rebalance of energy… of life. People push and I have to find the strength to push back.

See, the stupid thing is, I get myself into this mess… because I care.

I care about my family's opinion. I care about my husband's opinion… my kids', my friend's. And when they clash in their opinion, no matter what I do, someone will be upset with me. And really… the only one hurt is me. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I choose-- even if I know it's right-- it will be somehow, some way… wrong.

After a while… it wears on you.

It's as if I'm not allowed to have my own opinion. My own life. Make my own decisions.

But I'm done with that.

This is my life.

The only opinion that matters in the end is mine. I will take all others into consideration, make no mistake.

But do not ever make me feel guilty for differing my opinion from yours.

It doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't make me wrong.

It makes me independent.