Ego Madness

You only need the courage to look. 

In a writer's world, our novels are like our babies... We love them dearly and we love them just as they are; warts and all. 

I've had the privilege of working with an amazingly diverse group of ladies in the critique process of PENDOMUS. 

To me, their differing perspectives have been invaluable. They offer insights into my novel that I am either not equipped for seeing or the ones I simply have blinders for. I know what I'm good at and what I'm... well, not.

I have no shame in that. 

Writing, to me, is a learning process. If you go in thinking your novel is the best thing EVAAARRR and it's never fallen upon another set of eyes, you are probably delusional. Even JK Rowling has done revisons.

My first experience with having PENDOMUS critiqued (I mean really critiqued) came from my Beta-Reader-Extraordinaire. I'll admit it, when I got her first detailed email about the things that weren't working, it stung a little. (I fancy myself Wonder Woman, remember?) 

Then I took a moment... took a step back and you know what? I'll be damned if she wasn't right!

From that moment on, I was able to detach myself from the critique and give in to the critical thinking process that goes along with polishing a novel. Sometimes critiques are spot on. Sometimes they aren't. But I feel that it's our obligation to really consider the feedback of others. Sometimes, our initial reactions are not the most logical ones. You know what I'm saying?

When something isn't working in a novel I'm critiquing, I'm honest. Generally speaking, I don't hold back because I feel it's a waste of my time and theirs if I don't give it my all. I also have the experience behind me with Beta-Reader-Extraordinaire and I know just how important that critical insight can be.

The thing I find fascinating about working with other authors, is the apologetic behavior... I even do it. If the person takes the advice poorly (and I'm not just talking about my group, here), I feel bad. A part of me wants to back peddle. 

But is that for the best? 

If my honest opinion wasn't what they wanted to hear, does that mean it was wrong? Or does it mean it's another perspective to consider? 

Does it mean it's the only right one? Absolutely not. 

What about you guys? 

When you've had your work critiqued, what kind of feedback do you look for? How do you respond to positive and negative feedback? Can you detach from the critique? Or is it difficult for you?

When you work with others, are you honest? Or do you gloss your opinion over?

I'm curious...

Go ahead, be wrong

Recently, this notion of being wrong has really been on the forefront of my mind.

Everyone, it seems has an opinion and likewise, it seems, everyone's opinion is the right one. Right?

If you don't agree, well, then you must be an idiot. Right? Right?  {insert eyeroll here}

An amazing book blogger and fellow Twitter fiend, Kara was recently attacked for her opinion and review of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse V. Now, while the situation that unfolded is neither original nor entirely surprising, it's got me thinking...

Why do we want to influence others in order to prove ourselves right? What if *gasp* we're wrong?

There's a fascinating video on this subject, which I would encourage everyone to watch. (Thus, it's here!) It talks so much about the values of being wrong and why, in the end, we're better people for it.




The gentleman who slammed Kara for her review was, in my humble opinion, really just attention seeking. It happens. But on his blog, he raised an interesting question... does an artist (in his case an indie-author) need to be nice in order to sell their books?

In a word. No.

I am a firm believer that each person needs to be true to themselves and their inner voice. If his is being harsh and abrasive-- at times, alienating people, many who may have otherwise read his stuff... well, that's his prerogative. Others will surely take the place of those he's lost. And that's okay.


He also posed the question: Should an artist be viewed separately from their art?

I, personally, don't know that they should. There are many stories who's authors I adore. People I aspire to be like. Does this man not look at Vonnegut as someone to aspire to be? How then, is that separating the art and the artist?

Art is the expression of the artist. It always comes from somewhere inside them or it wouldn't be believable.

It wouldn't be worth experiencing. 

Readers... Alpha, Beta: What's the difference and where do I find them?

So I've been thinking a lot about readers lately. I'm still finishing up the first draft of my novel and getting to the point where I'm really considering taking on new readers. I've had a total of 5 readers so far; 4 Alphas and then my cheerleader, Alpha/Beta Extraordinaire, Sherry.

Each of these tremendous folks have agreed to read the story again from start to finish. It's possible when all is said and done that I may even tweak a couple Betas outta my Alphas. (Get your head out of the gutter!) HA!

Oh, wait, that was me. My bad.

Anyway... What's the difference?

Well, from what I gather (and feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken) Alpha's are straight up readers. They're the people who cheer you on when you could be bombing horribly because they like you too much to hurt your feelings. (see also: your significant other and your Mom)

Beta's on the other hand are the brutally honest critique people. They're essential to making sure your ducks are in a row and not swimming up shit creek without a paddle. Or something like that. Depending on the Beta, they question your motives, your characters, your plot lines, your word structures... they question it all.

Here are my questions to you fine folks...

Did you use Beta Readers? If so, where did you find them? Were they the people lurking in the dark spaces behind your staircase or did you seek them by more scholarly means? Is there a website that is reputable for such a thing? (I haven't yet gone googling, but I will resort to it, if necessary... I just trust you guys more than the monolith of search engines.)

Another concern - albeit conceited and somewhat paranoid - Did you ever worry about sending your work out into the ether? The internet is big, wide space and what happens if your masterpiece gets into the wrong hands? (Think Sauron!) What if it gets stolen/copied before you have a chance to birth it yourself?

I can lock the PDF file until dooms day, but it's a pain in the ass for the Beta who has to retype all of the corrections because they can't copy and paste.

Am I the only crazy one with these thoughts?

At any rate, I'd love your feedback, thoughts and experience yet again. Your wealth of knowledge makes my day. Truly. 

Writing can be a lonely sport.

I've recently come back home from a week long trip to Sedona, Arizona and I'm having a hard time getting back into my normal routine of writing. Not so much the routine, I guess. Just the writing. I'm still up at 5am (despite the dreaded two hour time difference), but my attention span isn't there. Does anyone else suffer from this? I don't know if it's because I need to go back in, reread and immerse myself again... Yeah, maybe that's it.

For those of you who have never been to Sedona... Go. Right now. Plan your trip, pack some bags and go. The energy out there is amazing! The hiking, the views, the people... the food! I never realized how awful our food is in Minnesota until I ate out there! Real, health conscious restaurants -- and they're all over! Not just one! I think I saw one pizza place in the whole city (Piccazo's). We have at least 6 here in my town. Gah! But I digress... Ranting a little. Nutritious, whole food options are a hot button issue of mine. My bad.

In many ways, Sedona woke some things up inside me... besides Minnesota's complete lack of health consciousness. LOL! It made me realize how much I enjoy nature. The outdoors. Exploring. It reminded me that when we explore, the mind chatter goes away. Because it pulls you into the Now. Isn't that what Eckart Tolle is always talking about?

But really, when we are experiencing life, the need for the mind chatter subsides. Call it spiritual if you want. Call it just taking yourself out of your normal element. Whatever. I find the way the brain works fascinating.

But back to writing... I'm close. REALLY close to having my first draft done. This world of Pendomus has been in my head since October of last year and it's getting painful to not be able to share it. It's like it's bursting at the seams to break loose... but I keep getting the internal signals of "wait... wait..." Blarg! I don't wanna wait! I want people to read it! I want to know what others think of it, dammit. LOL!

The ironic thing is, when I started the book, it was for the book's sake... the story's sake. It had to be told and it chose me to do it. No seriously. It chose me. Of that, I have no doubt. Now, I feel my ego creeping in. The desire to know what other's think. The sickening feeling of self-doubt. The squishy, ishy feelings of "Why am I doing this?" or "What if it's no good?" or "What if no one will read it?" I don't know why. I don't even know why any of that should matter.

I love my story. I love my characters and the world they've shown me. Even if I'm the only person (which, logically, I know I'm not - I have close friends and family who have also read some or most of what I've written) who loves them, so be it. Right? They are the internal workings of my subconscious mind anyway. Right?

The ego... now that's a funny thing. In some ways, we can't function without it. In other ways, humanity would be better served if we just put it in check or got rid of it all together. I love the quote by Gandhi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." And I really try to adhere to that. To me, that means doing things for the sake of doing them - it can seem altruistic. But really, it's just keeping it simple. Trying to release the ego from attachment because all it does is get in the way.

So why is it being such a pain in my ass now? Why do I feel so antsy to get this out, but feel that the timing isn't right? It's like the universe is sending me some sick joke. Karmic mixed signals. Nice.

In addition to writing, I'm trained in graphic design... so I've been tweaking my twitter page. Playing with images, since it seems hard to find the words for the story. It's been three days since we got back and I've probably written a total of 500 words.

Writing to me seems to be a lonely sport. On one hand, I have this rich, complex world and complex characters... I enjoy living there in my head and being a part of it. But in this world, I'm alone. I am a part of a creative group (not just writers, but most are), but we meet monthly at best. I don't have an online support yet and maybe that's what I need? To find a writer's group. Then, it opens the can of worms of what happens to your stuff if you post it? Can people steal it? What if it gets out on the web? Does anyone else worry about this sort of stuff? Is my fear just a stupid thing I need to overcome and do it anyway? Or are my fears warning signs that I need to stay away until I have this done?

The things that are catching my eye right now are self-publishing blogs and sites. It seems to be the way people are going now, and it's really enticing to me. But then I go back to being alone. Doing it all. I do that so much and I'm not sure I want to do with with my writing, too. But if there was a place for it... wouldn't it be here? I can design my own sites, my covers... I can format the book and publish it on Kindle (or wherever) and maybe that's the direction I need to take? Start there?

From what I read out there, many publishers and agents won't even represent you until you have a few thousand fans. THOUSAND. Yeah. I have 36 on my fan page. How do you get thousands if you are afraid to get your story out there? That leads me back to self-publishing in eBook form first. See what happens. Other authors like Amanda Hocking seem to be doing great this way. (Another MN author - LOVE IT!) I would love to have the kind of success that she's managed to obtain for her worlds.

Wow. Did you catch that ego trap right there? Yup, spiraled right into it, didn't I?

You know what? Maybe I need to stop worrying about my method of publishing and just finish the damn book, eh? What am I so afraid of? Maybe this is why I get the mixed signals? Go (because it WANTS TO BE WRITTEN!) and Stop (because it's not ready for all this publishing nonsense yet anyway!)

Whoa. You know... this is why I love writing. I think I just had a damn epiphany just now. Did you feel that?

I did.

Okay, universe. Uncle. I'm gonna get out of my head so I can get into yours.

Lesson learned.

Shut up and write.

A time to move forward and relinquish control

When all is said and done, will reach a word count of 28,339 for today.

I have taken on the NaNoWriMo challenge of doing 1,667 words a day for the goal of being at 50,000 words by month's end. Silly me, though, I'm just doing it for myself. I decided that the idea of being a part of the contest didn't appeal to me, just the challenge itself. So far, things are going great. Some days are harder than others to write, but I also find that once I get going, things are a lot easier than I originally thought they would be.

I have a storyline emerging... Characters I love... new characters on the way. I'm writing what will be somewhere around Chapter 13 right now. Seems to be a good time to reflect. Something about the number 13 does that to me.

While the writing side is going great and I am getting more of the details of my plot filled in, I find that I get stuck on a lot of the relationships. Not that I can't write it, but that I get lost in it. Some of my personal relationships as of late seem to have disintegrated and it's left me feeling a little bitter. A little empty. The odd thing is, they were never really relationships in the first place. They were just acquaintanceships with common interests. None of us got together outside of our obligations to whichever cause it was. We just were there for the cause. Now, those causes have taken side routes that I don't jive with and I'm left standing on the sidelines.

It's not all bad, though. Without this in my life, I don't think I would have had the moments of introspection that I've had. The ones that have ultimately led me here. To writing. But it still stings. Knowing that I have put my all into something, for what I deemed to be the right reasons... only to have that thrown aside for seemingly power plays.

I'm so sick of power hungry people.

People who want nothing more than to stroke their own ego, leaving a wasteland of talented people in their wake. People who just want control. I know that's part of my own ego talking. The one that wants to be recognized as a competent, dependable, creative.

Today, one particular group I had devoted two and a half years to, became an active member on their board even, up and got rid of a website I had painstakingly put together. They were virtually unheard of in our town. No one knew about them or even realized something like them existed. So I redesigned their look. Gave them new, vibrant colors. Redesigned their logo to be more modern and less... blah. And it worked. For a while. People were excited. It brought in others. It created interest, sparked debate. New members joined, new board members joined. We even moved. I put a lot of time, energy and even money into the cause. I treated them and the interest of the group almost as a child - a family member who I needed to make sure was taken care of. But I did so without the idea of anything in return. Perhaps that was naive of me. Call me altruistic, but I believed in the cause. Believed in what they stood for. I was there when the new managers were hired. I helped hand pick them. I helped get the new board members on; the ones who would turn out to be power hungry and self serving. The ones who ultimately would turn on me.

That makes me think of Joss Whedon's now famous line, "Curse your sudden, but inevitable betrayal!" LOL!

At least I can laugh about it. ;)

At any rate, this small thing, a new website (which I knew was coming, it was just a matter of time) has set something off in me. Before I can really devote myself to my book and specifically, the relationships in my book, I need to let go of the ones that are holding me back. The ones that I feel some small sense of betrayal over. I need to bless them on their merry way and learn from them. Both the good and the bad.

Perhaps they will even find a way to make it into my story. :)