Writing can be a lonely sport.

I've recently come back home from a week long trip to Sedona, Arizona and I'm having a hard time getting back into my normal routine of writing. Not so much the routine, I guess. Just the writing. I'm still up at 5am (despite the dreaded two hour time difference), but my attention span isn't there. Does anyone else suffer from this? I don't know if it's because I need to go back in, reread and immerse myself again... Yeah, maybe that's it.

For those of you who have never been to Sedona... Go. Right now. Plan your trip, pack some bags and go. The energy out there is amazing! The hiking, the views, the people... the food! I never realized how awful our food is in Minnesota until I ate out there! Real, health conscious restaurants -- and they're all over! Not just one! I think I saw one pizza place in the whole city (Piccazo's). We have at least 6 here in my town. Gah! But I digress... Ranting a little. Nutritious, whole food options are a hot button issue of mine. My bad.

In many ways, Sedona woke some things up inside me... besides Minnesota's complete lack of health consciousness. LOL! It made me realize how much I enjoy nature. The outdoors. Exploring. It reminded me that when we explore, the mind chatter goes away. Because it pulls you into the Now. Isn't that what Eckart Tolle is always talking about?

But really, when we are experiencing life, the need for the mind chatter subsides. Call it spiritual if you want. Call it just taking yourself out of your normal element. Whatever. I find the way the brain works fascinating.

But back to writing... I'm close. REALLY close to having my first draft done. This world of Pendomus has been in my head since October of last year and it's getting painful to not be able to share it. It's like it's bursting at the seams to break loose... but I keep getting the internal signals of "wait... wait..." Blarg! I don't wanna wait! I want people to read it! I want to know what others think of it, dammit. LOL!

The ironic thing is, when I started the book, it was for the book's sake... the story's sake. It had to be told and it chose me to do it. No seriously. It chose me. Of that, I have no doubt. Now, I feel my ego creeping in. The desire to know what other's think. The sickening feeling of self-doubt. The squishy, ishy feelings of "Why am I doing this?" or "What if it's no good?" or "What if no one will read it?" I don't know why. I don't even know why any of that should matter.

I love my story. I love my characters and the world they've shown me. Even if I'm the only person (which, logically, I know I'm not - I have close friends and family who have also read some or most of what I've written) who loves them, so be it. Right? They are the internal workings of my subconscious mind anyway. Right?

The ego... now that's a funny thing. In some ways, we can't function without it. In other ways, humanity would be better served if we just put it in check or got rid of it all together. I love the quote by Gandhi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." And I really try to adhere to that. To me, that means doing things for the sake of doing them - it can seem altruistic. But really, it's just keeping it simple. Trying to release the ego from attachment because all it does is get in the way.

So why is it being such a pain in my ass now? Why do I feel so antsy to get this out, but feel that the timing isn't right? It's like the universe is sending me some sick joke. Karmic mixed signals. Nice.

In addition to writing, I'm trained in graphic design... so I've been tweaking my twitter page. Playing with images, since it seems hard to find the words for the story. It's been three days since we got back and I've probably written a total of 500 words.

Writing to me seems to be a lonely sport. On one hand, I have this rich, complex world and complex characters... I enjoy living there in my head and being a part of it. But in this world, I'm alone. I am a part of a creative group (not just writers, but most are), but we meet monthly at best. I don't have an online support yet and maybe that's what I need? To find a writer's group. Then, it opens the can of worms of what happens to your stuff if you post it? Can people steal it? What if it gets out on the web? Does anyone else worry about this sort of stuff? Is my fear just a stupid thing I need to overcome and do it anyway? Or are my fears warning signs that I need to stay away until I have this done?

The things that are catching my eye right now are self-publishing blogs and sites. It seems to be the way people are going now, and it's really enticing to me. But then I go back to being alone. Doing it all. I do that so much and I'm not sure I want to do with with my writing, too. But if there was a place for it... wouldn't it be here? I can design my own sites, my covers... I can format the book and publish it on Kindle (or wherever) and maybe that's the direction I need to take? Start there?

From what I read out there, many publishers and agents won't even represent you until you have a few thousand fans. THOUSAND. Yeah. I have 36 on my fan page. How do you get thousands if you are afraid to get your story out there? That leads me back to self-publishing in eBook form first. See what happens. Other authors like Amanda Hocking seem to be doing great this way. (Another MN author - LOVE IT!) I would love to have the kind of success that she's managed to obtain for her worlds.

Wow. Did you catch that ego trap right there? Yup, spiraled right into it, didn't I?

You know what? Maybe I need to stop worrying about my method of publishing and just finish the damn book, eh? What am I so afraid of? Maybe this is why I get the mixed signals? Go (because it WANTS TO BE WRITTEN!) and Stop (because it's not ready for all this publishing nonsense yet anyway!)

Whoa. You know... this is why I love writing. I think I just had a damn epiphany just now. Did you feel that?

I did.

Okay, universe. Uncle. I'm gonna get out of my head so I can get into yours.

Lesson learned.

Shut up and write.

A Writer Emerges

So... with my desire to abandon - well, mostly anyway - my role as graphic designer, something completely unexpected emerged.

I found that I love to dream - to create - to write.

To write.

Huh. I can honestly say I didn't really see that one coming. I have always liked to write and communicate - don't get me wrong. I just never really looked at it as something I could professionally do. My aunt is a writer and though she has been doing it a long time... I never wanted to be compared to her. My mother is fine artist and while I can draw... I never wanted to be compared to her, either. I wanted to make my own way. I guess I have, in a round about way. I am able to blend and merge these two world and in an ideal world, it would be successful.

What is success to me? Loving what I do - for no one but myself.

Let's face it, I can't really get myself to go away (to coin a phrase from Matchbox 20).

It all started sometime back in September when I had lunch with a very dear friend. I asked her what she saw in me and what career pops into her mind first. She told me, a writer. From that moment, we started discussing things for story ideas and I actually started to... dare I say it... excited! For the first time in a long time, the future didn't look daunting... it looked, INTERESTING!

Which, in some ways is weird because writing a novel is challenging. Especially if you are as crazy as me. Things have to make sense. There has to be back stories, the characters have to make sense... even the names can be painstaking. There has to be twists and turns and events that drive the character to fully accept their world and the lives they lead.

In retrospect, I realize that perhaps, I have always wanted to write - but because of my damn drive to be different and repel the norm, I was pushing away a calling. It may not be my ONLY calling, but for right now, it is and that means something.

I have always admired people who can tell a story - Joss Whedon (he's my hero), J.K Rowling, Suzanne Collins (my current obsession), Amy Sherman-Palladino (the mastermind behind Gilmore Girls), even Stephanie Meyer... While I love the stories that are spun and take what I can from their messages, what has always stayed with me, are the people behind them. Maybe it's just a crazy, new age view - but I think I was getting signs from the universe.

When I was 13, I woke up from a dream so vivid that I could have sworn it was a past life. In this life, I was coming back to my home - one I hadn't seen in so long. Somewhere in the dream I entered a secret room that I never even knew existed and it opened my dream self to a new world of magic. When I woke up, I sat down and wrote about it. I was absolutely compelled to do so. Every day after school, I was at our family's 1990 IBM, typing feverishly. When I was done, I turned it in to my English Teacher for extra credit and promptly stuffed it into my closet.

Through the years, that story has stayed with me... I have carried it from house to house... city to city. But I have always known where it is, even when I wasn't thinking about it. Something in the back of my mind has kept it sacred. To this day, I can still see clearly the room in my dream... the way the sun shone in, the smell, the wallpaper that peeled away reveling a small hidden door inside this hidden room... going down the steps that were behind that other door...

When I took the advice of my friend and started to consider the possibility of writing... something peculiar happened. Ideas came flooding in. Not just for one story, but many - and I couldn't make them stop. It was becoming so overwhelming that I finally sat down to have a meditation with my Muse - so I could ask which ONE should I start with?

My answer? You pick. Until then, I'm keeping them coming. HA!

Another odd thing also took place - I found that I was suddenly surrounded by a wonderful fountain of like minded people! There were amazing writers that I could talk to and be involved with, that were right in front of me already! Some, as young as my brilliant 15 year old friend, Maggie. Others, as old as my parents. They have all been so helpful and receptive, and I feel so blessed to be taken in so graciously.

About a month ago - on 10/10/10, to be exact, I had an amazing idea literally FALL into my head. I wasn't even thinking about books. I was outside playing with my children on a crisp October morning; heck for all I know it was 10:10am! (In all seriousness, it was in the 10am hour! LOL!)

So I am now in the process of writing what is looking like a 4 to 5 book series. I have spent the majority of the past month writing all my ideas down, letting them come as they want and not judging them. Asking questions, seeing if I get answers... I have pages upon pages of notes.

Now, I am taking on a challenge to write 1667 words a day for the entire month of November. While some are doing it for a contest, I am doing it for the love of a challenge. I'm nothing if not good with a challenge! ;) At this very moment, my first real novel sits at 5,958 words and my goal is to be to 8,335 by today's end. (For those of you good with math, I only managed to write close to 1000 words yesterday, so I am playing catch up.)

Even if nothing comes out of it and the book or books never get published, I know that I am enjoying this process and being free to create without feeling bad. I am letting my creative voice free and it feels GOOD!