Calling Me Back

So much has happened in the past year.

My life barely resembles itself anymore. In many ways, I'm more than cool with it.

In others… I wish I'd maintained my drive.

Writing. <--------That's the big one.

Pendomus needs to be finished… as it has needed for the past couple months. Technically, I have only 4 chapters to tweak. FOUR.

That's all that is standing between me and the query process… and yet… I hesitate.

Can I even do it? Can I pick up where I left off and keep going? What if after all this time away… I've forgotten how? Can a writer forget? What if I'm the first? Oh, god… *hyperventilates* *searches for paper bag*

To my fellow writers… Has this ever happened to you? Life comes at you sideways and the amazing story you're working on has to be set down. Set aside until other, those more pressing issues have been dealt with?

How do you recover? What's your process?

A part of me wonders if I should just say SCREW IT!

No… not letting go of the story. But letting go of the other versions I've already written and just writing it fresh. I have two endings that need to be melded into this third and final version… in order be more cohesive. To be right.

The problem is… there are parts I really liked from those other two. Parts I wanted to make sure I kept… but it's blocking my creative flow and making it much harder to return to it than it should be.

On the upside… all this time away has me missing my world. Missing my characters... and that's been giving me new ideas. Book two is right around the corner… I can feel it. But I need to get this one out first…

So I guess I need some advice.

If you were me… chaos running amok… how would you look at Pendomus? What tactic would you take to accomplish the end goal of getting it complete?

Would you give yourself a timeframe… a deadline (oh, there's that dreaded word I've been missing all these months… Heehee)? Or would you just wait until a little more of the dust settles?

I need something reasonable to work towards! ;)

Make Yourself

"If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow."

It's time.

Time to remove the unnecessary barriers and be myself again.

For the sake of others, I've remained distant. From Twitter, from my blog... Sometimes, from those closest to me. All because I wanted to ease them into the life changes I'm making... Trying spare the feelings of others because I understand that changes can be hard.

That time is over.

It seems, no matter what I do, it's not good enough, anyway. They're hell bent on searching it out and making problems where there were none, so here goes nuthin'...

My life these past few months has been AMAZING.

Say what??

Those of you who've been keeping up on my infrequent blogs (that will be changing soon, too) are probably aware of my divorce. 

What you may not know, is despite the mess that goes with it… 

I've had one of the most profound people I've ever met enter my life. 

He's been a shocking surprise, waking me from the crazy haze I've meandered around inside for so long. There are no words to properly express how much his presence has affected me. He's brought light into an area of my life that's been dark for more years than I can count.

Yet, the circumstances of our "sudden romance" are less than appealing to some of the people around me. They can't wrap their minds around it. 

First, timing. Yes, I admit it's not the best. But neither of us expected this. It was never meant to be anything beyond friendship. We weren't expecting what we found in each other.

Second, we met on Twitter and because he currently lives in England. 

"How could I meet him online and think I know him? Or be willing to have him enter my "real" life? Why would I be willing to take the risk?"

I get those questions and concerns. I do. 

But for me, I've always lived my life according to a very simple rule: Be adaptable. Be open.

Life is NOT about standing still. It's about flowing with the changes, the challenges that life gives you. Life is an adventure, meant to be embraced. As adults, too many people stick themselves into a box; unwilling to change or acclimate to anything new. In part due to fear.

And what purpose does that serve? 

If you can stop, look at fear logically, it's usually just a roadblock to getting what you really want. Sure, sometimes, its purpose is to get you out of danger and it should be taken seriously. But I'm talking the abstract, "WHAT IF", fear. 

Why is it everyone can ask, 

"What if he gets here, and you can't stand him? Why would you do it?"

but not

"What if he gets here, and you're blissfully happy?"

Because EITHER are possible. And I'm not gonna know until I've tried.

To those who are upset by this change; I'm sorry this isn't easier for you. I truly am. If there was a magic wand to wave, I surely would do it. Because each one of you deserves to be equally happy. But one thing I will no longer do, is stand idly by and take the brunt of your unhappiness. 

We each have a choice to be happy. 

I've made mine and I will stand proud behind it.

I needed something to sing about.

Life is crazy at the moment… not necessarily in a bad way, just… different. It's more of a; complete flux and trying to find a new state of homeostasis kinda thing. Some areas have, amidst the chaos… been really, really good.

It's strange, because I've found that life doesn't hand you what you want, it hands you what you need.

For the longest time, though I didn't realize it at first… I've been going through the motions. I'm not sure where it all happened. Hell, not even sure WHY it happened. I just know it did.



But I woke up one morning early this year, wondering…

Is this all there is? 

Have you ever gotten like this?

It took me most of the year to process. To really wrap my head around why I was dissatisfied with the state of my life.

I felt frozen.

Frozen in time. Frozen in heart. Frozen… even in mind.

I know I talked about the fact that my husband and I have separated and are going through a divorce. And while the upheaval of that has been, at times, a bit crazy… the energy is moving again.


I'm moving again…

Literally, even. I'm in the midst of moving into a house that needs renovations done. So, my time and energy has been spent getting that prepared.

However, I'm starting to get new ideas for book 2… I've taken notes and gotten them logged… but as of yet, I still need to finish the last 4 chapters of book 1. Until this moving process is finished, I know I won't be able to get back into the world and devote the time I need to to write. But I can feel Pendomus… in the back of my mind, growing strength again. Even though I can't get to it yet, knowing that it's percolating there… it gives me hope.

But what I lack in writing, I've been gaining in inner peace.

I have one person to thank for that. One person that has helped me open my eyes to all the possibilities the future can still hold and his wisdom means more than I can ever properly express.

To bring this post full (Buffy) circle…

Turns out,

I just needed something to sing about.