Future in Flux

I'm going to share something with all of you…

Something I've struggled with sharing for quite a while… and in part because it effects more than just me.

However, I'm nothing, if not honest.

Additionally, I've found the blogosphere and the people who follow me to be intensely supportive and understanding… It's in this vein that I open my life a bit more to you.

First, a little backstory: Pendomus has been my world for a year (to the day, actually… it was conceived in my head like Athena on 10.10.10). It's been, as it turns out, my escape because things inside my mind, inside my home, haven't felt right. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But the more I escaped, the more I began to realize I was, in many ways… unhappy.

And… well, I like to be happy. LOL!

Here's the thing… I've been married for 13 years… we married young and while I appreciate my husband as a man and dad… I've decided it's best if we went our separate ways as a couple.

I need to reclaim my happiness.

Part of that, is accepting my role-- and believe me, I do. It's taken me this long to realize I am no more matched for him… as he is for me. And that's okay.

For some surrounding me… they're surprised. Those closest to me… not so much.

We (and by that I mean, me) seem to have an idealized, albeit romanticized notion in our heads…

We must meet our one and only true love the first time and that person will be with us until the day we die and nothing will ever, ever go wrong.

But reality chuckles and says… Yeah, good luck with that. 

The thing is, people grow. Sometimes they grow together. Sometimes they grow apart.

There's nothing wrong with it and in all honesty I wouldn't want it any other way. I've grown a lot and I enjoy the person I've become in this past decade.

Additionally, I'm now the type of person who believes people enter (and exit) your life to teach you lessons needing to be learned. There's no judgement with it… the timing is perfect for you and what really matters is how you deal. What you walk away from it all with.

What I do know… We each have a right to be happy within our lives and in our relationships. It is in our direct power to ensure it. We can't control our partners and can only control ourselves. Sometimes, that means taking the reigns and doing what's right for you, even if it can seem selfish to others.

You only get one life to live. Stop living it unhappily.

A Sci-Fi Geek Takes On M&M

...takes on M&M.

So… as some of you know… this past weekend I attended the Moonlight and Magnolia's conference down in beautiful Decatur Georgia. (For those of you who DON'T know… this is a romance writer's conference… and I'm no romance writer.)

I was recruited (albeit reluctantly) to attend by my awesome CRIT gals, Kendall Grey and Gina Lamm.

They were already going to be attending and they thought it would be a great opportunity… All of the agents/editors attending cross genres and a couple even adventure into the realm of YA.

Now, Pendomus incorporates romantic elements, but it is, by no stretch of the imagination… er… romance. So the idea was really intimidating at first. But, in the end, I am sooooooo glad I took that leap and trusted them.

The hotel the conference was at ended up being completly booked, so I had to stay at another hotel 5 minutes away… which, as it turns out, was a good thing. The convention center was being torn down the last day of our conference and they were in the process of picking it apart. (Helloooooooo, why is there no toilet paper in 4 out of the 6 stalls? They do realize a romance writer's conference is going to be mostly women… right?)

Anyway… meeting Kendall and Gina was amazing! They are wicked cool ladies both on Twitter and in person! I also met so many new people with whom I adore… Alicia, Denise, Nicki… just to name a few.

The seminars ranged from really beneficial, to pretty basic, but overall, worth the experience.

The biggest news on my part is that I pitched Pendomus to two people:

The fabulous Jessica Faust from BookEnds, LLC and the amazingly sweet Leah Hultenschmidt of Sourcebooks.

As you know from my freak outs earlier in the week… I am not a pitching genius. Trying to figure that whole ordeal out… or what they might want was confusing and uber a bit nerve wracking. But in the end, things went really well!

Both of them have requested to see the full manuscript! HOLY CRAP!

So… time to hunker down… get the last four chapter edits done and send it off to be examined by these wickedly awesome ladies.

LONG STORY SHORT: A romance writer's conference is a fantastic place for the Sci-fi writer… I met amazing people, learned some new stuff and even drummed up some interest for Pendomus.

Now… it's time to put my efforts in and make this happen.

Deep breaths before a swan dive

Deep Breaths

I think I need less caffeine. Maybe less stress. More sleep?

All of the above?

Here I am, on the brink of going down to the Moonlight & Magnolia's Conference… and I'm not sure which I am more…

1.) Excited as hell to meet my CRITs gals, meet new writerly people, learn new stuff, pitch Pendomus...

2.) OR scared outta my freakin' gourd!
(Hey, it's coming up on Halloween, cut a girl some slack.)

I'm almost ready for the weekend… and I've learned something:

I am HORRIBLE at creating a synopsis and pitch. 

Wow. 

How can something so little be so hard? Give me a business card to design any day… just don't make me boil down my book into 50 words or less. That's just plain evil. LOL!

The perfectionist in me is screaming that I should feel more secure… be more prepared.

The fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants me thinks it's better if I can allow myself to chill; to be myself and let things fly.

This is my first conference… I know I'm gonna learn TONS.

So, yeah… that's what I'm gonna do.

Chill. Take a deep damn breath...

…and… dive.

10 Random Facts - Another game of tag!

There's a fun little game of tag going around the blogging community right now, and I've been poked by the crazy talented, Ms. Samantha Warren (@_SamanthaWarren) To play, you simply need to be poked by someone. Then you list 10 random facts about yourself and tag four more people. 


Here are my random facts. Hope you enjoy!


1.) If I can go barefoot, I will. I despise shoes. *eyes them menacingly*


2.) I am ordinarily a morning person. My day typical starts at 5am. (Yeah, I know… as if I'm not weird enough! LOL!)


3.) I tend to go vegetarian. It's not necessarily a morality issue for me, but I guess, sorta. I could totally go weeks without eating meat and never miss it. Avocado, anyone?


4.) I am super allergic to dust. Yep, you read that right. DUST. Of the all the stupid things to be allergic to, I have to go and pick the one that is completely unavoidable. Super.


5.) I have a crazy golden retriever named Jedi. He's a good dog, but drives me insane.


6.) I'm pretty sure a terminator arrived the night my son was born. He arrived an entire month early and on the long hour trip to the hospital, as I was cursing the man who put me in that situation, it was dry lightening. Kinda cool, I guess and helped distract me from the blinding pain... Oddly enough, once my son was born, the storm settled down. Huh. Maybe I gave birth to the terminator. 


7.) I have to watch Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic when I put up my Halloween decorations. Every year. It's TRADITION!


8.) I can't wear contacts. Evidently, I have this crazy astigmatism that mixes with being farsighted. I've tried just about every kind… I could see better if I poke myself in the eye. Hey, I probably do every time I put them in. HA!


9.) I am a certified Reiki Master in the Usui Shiki Ryoho tradition. Yep. That.


10.) I hate, hate, HATE folding laundry.  



Alright… now for my tag victims…. mwahahaahaha


1. Stacey
2. Dana
3. Leif
4. Colin

Worth

worth

¹    [wurth]  Show IPA

preposition

1.

good or important enough to justify (what is specified):advice worth taking; a place worth visiting.

2.

having a value of, or equal in value to, as in money: This vase is worth 12 dollars.

3.

having property to the value or amount of: They are worth millions.

noun

4.

excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem:women of worth.

5.

usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, orfor a purpose: Your worth to the world is inestimable.

6.

value, as in money.

7.

a quantity of something of a specified value: ten cents'worth of candy.

8.

wealth; riches; property or possessions: net worth.

What does it mean to be worth something? To be worthy? 

Of love. Of support. Of understanding?

From our family. From our parents. From our partners? From our friends?

Is it realistic to base a person's worth solely on money? Does that feel right to you?

Or can it be based on their potential? Their ability to love? Their ability to see what doesn't work and decide it's time to change it. Or a myriad of other things people might never notice…?

Is it right to limit a person's future because you cannot see what they see?

At what point… does a person take a stand and say,

"I wish you understood. But ultimately, it doesn't matter. Because I do."

I've been recently told to lower my expectations. That I dream too big and my ideals are unrealistic. I've been told that because I've made steps to be happier in my life… that I'm no longer worthy of support by the people I thought were closest to me.

By the people I thought would support me, unconditionally.

I've been told that, based on my recent decisions, I'm no longer deserving of going on my trip to Georgia at the end of the month. And I'm deluding myself if I ever think Pendomus could be something.

A month ago… this would have been devastating to me. And while, their words hurt, I know this person is wrong.

We have different philosophies about life.

To me, the unlived life is not worth living.

But because of that belief, I'm insane. Probably chemically imbalanced and need to be checked out. Because no one… no one in their right mind, would change their life if it wasn't working. I have children. How can I only think about myself?

I'm being illogical. 

Which is funny, when I think about it. There are many things I consider myself to be… crazy, may indeed be on that list… but illogical isn't one of them. (seems like a paradox, I know)

To this person, should you read my blog: I love you. But I don't agree with you.

Ultimately, we have to do what feels right in our own lives and that's not narcissistic or uncaring.

Sometimes it's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It's being the change you wish to see in the world. It's leading by example and not expecting others to follow.

Whether or not the people closest to us understand.

Whether or not… they ever understand.

What is happiness worth to you?

Standing Still to Bare My Soul

Life.

It's what happens with you're standing still.

And that's what I've been doing. Standing still.

My wheels are spinning with Pendomus and it's because my personal life is in chaos. I have a war raging in my brain and I can't… shake it.

So much in my life… has felt so empty for a really long time. Don't get me wrong… I love my kids, my family and friends… but there's been something missing that I've never quite been able to put my finger on. Looking back, I filled that void with many things. Even writing Pendomus.

Now… I fill the void with you. Twitter. My blog. The amazing new people I've met across the world. I didn't know just how connected I really was… until I met you. And… I started to understand what the void is.

You get me. 

The bat-shit crazy, wild-child-wannabe, me.

But there's a downside, too. With social media, like Twitter, it's hard to stay away from it. From the constant interaction. Particularly, because I have this sick obsession to interact. To be accessible. You've given me a taste of what it's like to really be… me.

It's kind of funny when you think about it…

A lot of people think social media is all fake. People in smoke screens and all full of shit. But I haven't found that. Most people are sincere and it's pretty easy to spot the ones who aren't.

When I got blindsided with the whole, narcissistic thing… it honestly only made things worse. Set me off on a tailspin and I'm still reeling. Probably because now, I feel like I'm not only misunderstood occasionally… I'm just really not understood at all. Because before… I had a clear intention. Plus, I don't have many people I can talk to about it, who aren't inside my computer. So, yea. That helps.

But... isn't that really what we're all searching for? To be understood?

Hell, to understand ourselves?

Does that make me narcissist? Or just plain old human?

I'd like to believe the latter.

My life is a mess right now… but it's nice to know I have you all out there.

And maybe… someday I will find a place in the real world to fit in.

xoxo

In the name of progress… so much for that.

Okay. It's crunch time, baby.

September 29th looms

The Moonlight and Magnolia's Conference is at the end of the month. My Goddamn Deadline blew by (did you feel that?) and after going through and organizing a brand-spanking new outline for the end of Pendomus… 

I realized today----> 

I still have six chapters to finish before then. 

Even after all I've done this week. 

*headdesk*

What in the hell? Have I been spinning my wheels? Evidently.

So, as you can tell, I'm a bit frustrated. It is what it is… 

I think part of the problem is the self-imposed deadline crap. I know I have this conference coming and yet, I always want to be ahead of the game. Sometimes that works… sometimes… yeah, I sit and spin. Psh.

So, I give up. 

Not on Pendomus. Nor getting my poop in a scoop for the conference.

No, I give up any preconceived notions of deadlines. I know what has to be done before September 29th. Rather than giving myself a coronary, I'm making that my new goal.  

Whilst I am at it… another thing I plan to give up in this month of pressure:

Perfection. 

Perfection is boring. Who needs it? I want a book that transcends perfection. 

The only way to make that happen… is to let it go.