Do you believe in transformations?

Things have been a little more dramatic in my world than I ordinarily like. Too many ups and downs and internal civl wars to feel secure in anything...

That said, I really haven't written much in the past two weeks. And I miss it. Instead, I have been focused inward and trying to make sense of the confusion in my life and what's going on with it all. Does this ever happen to you? One day you wake up and you are soooo done. Done with the BS. Done with the trend parts of your life seems to be on and the direction it's going?

That was me.

It still is, but I'd like to say that by facing it head on, there is some transformative powers at play here. That by turning to face it, rather than running from it, there is a power there to make a positive change for the better. To move into a better future. One that was only not possible before, but not even a gleam in your eye because it was never even acknowledged. Never realized.

I don't know how this will play out. I don't know if the new direction that things seem to be trending will work out. I just know that regardless, things will be better in the end. They have to. Because things just were not working before. I'd like to think that this transformative quality is being imbued upon my entire family unit - but ultimately, the only one I can control is myself. So either things will work, or they won't. But right now, there are steps that need to be taken to work toward a common goal.

It will either be so transformative that it will shake my world as I know it. Or it won't. But now I know I have the strength to let the chips fly and I'm okay with wherever they land.

Who Am I Living For?

I've only recently started looking into Katy Perry... but today I downloaded her Teenage Dream album. Not sure why or what really called me to do it. Maybe the song Firework? But regardless, I started to listen to the album while working on ads for my other job (one of many hats) and this song resonated so loudly that I had to stop and search the lyrics and listen to it over - not distracted.


Who Am I Living For?


Yeah eh yeah yeah
I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross to bare
But I will get there

It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can feel this lightness inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that’s the price

It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?

Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?


So the question becomes... Who am I living for?

The Seed of this World

She speaks to me, flesh biten riddles and colorful roses

The tides turn uninterrupted and squelched 

Disturbed but uninhibited, the feelings arouse

Persistent and longingly as they circle in sequence

Somewhere in space and time is this place

Where only those who know her can enter 

Random and orderly the two coincide

Unable to exist without the other

A jumbled mess of uniform thoughts

Instincts that go beyond all bounds

She asks me to see this place

Dig a little deeper, she whispers

Understand the circumstances that arise

The framework unhinged, skin left blistering

Time fades away and all that's left... is 

Absent in love and open in mind leads only to the dead inside

Be open 

Be ready

Be free

The world appears finite, yet the infinite knows better

Clinging to the flesh dripping fear of the past

All boundaries are alone man made

A disease of the dysfunction we adhere to

She ignites my mind with her electric fingertips

Lapping up all reasons for self-doubt

She insists on something else instead

The blossom of life and its seed of this world...

Begins as nothing more than a seed

And the smoothing continues...

So... I've been sick the past couple of weeks which has hindered the progress of my novel. I'm nearly done, but I'm in the smoothing out phase. For some reason, it's not nearly as much fun as writing it the first time around. I think it's the left brain vs. right brain stuff. I want to be creative because ordinarily, I'm a very detail oriented, organized person. But, then when I'm sick, my brain operates differently. I go from being my normal, upbeat self to something more akin to the First Evil on Buffy. LOL! Discernment flies out the window and I'm just down right obnoxious.


Suddenly, everything I think sucks and I go into a train of thought where my world turns dark. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing... just not in the way that makes for a good writing experience. Though, I took some time to think through my villain and how he perceives the world, so I guess it's all good! HA!


Luckily, I'm getting better. I've had a few epiphanies in the past couple days on things I was missing and ways I can change the flow. I've had to set things aside in order to do it, which does not always sit well with me. I'm a doer and when I'm not doing... I get antsy.


On the upside, I've written in the first half of a new chapter today (one that I didn't realize was missing) and it's helped me tremendously connect to my male character and where he should be mentally in the story. It's so weird how when you write something for a week that happens over a couple hours in a book, you lose focus. Even when you go back and reread. So strange.


But I need to regain that focus... this sucker is a 100,000+ word epic. I need to get my proverbial shit together! There are too many strings that need to be tied from too many directions to lose focus now.


And as Jillian Michaels says, "Why would you chose failure when success is an option?"


So, I'm choosing success.


I'm gonna get past this freakin' head cold of doom and come out on the other side a more focused woman. One capable of painting an entirely new world that will resonate in the hearts and minds of those it needs to reach.


The day is coming.

A time to look back, a time to move forward

I'm reaching a point in my novel where the end is in sight and I'm beginning to rethink my approach. I have a lot left to accomplish, but I'm getting stuck by the desires of others and the confusion in my own head.

I'm finding that for this phase, I may need to walk the path alone a bit. To sit with the story and really understand where it is I want to take the reader. What is necessary to divulge, what isn't? I love my friend's feedback and their love and interest in my characters... but it's leading to a confusion about who they really are in my head.

I know everyone has their own opinion and I know that everyone takes with them what they need... So I can't appease everyone. I need to write what I would like to read - not what I think others would like to read.

So, for that reason... I'm closing the gateway, so to speak.

I need some time to sit with my characters and finish the book - alone. Perhaps going back to the beginning and cleaning things up before finishing the ending. I think by then, I will know the goal - the way it is TRULY supposed to go and I will be doing it for myself. They way I want it to be and no one else.

For my devoted, supportive friends/fans... don't take this as a slight. I love you. I just want to write the ending that this deserves and make you proud. But that means pulling myself inward and finding where it needs to go for the story's sake.

I did it!

So, it's two days since NaNoWriMo ended and I am happy to say that I did, in fact, make my 50,000 word goal +17 words for the month of November! It was challenging at times, but so worth it. I know where my characters are... where they plan on going, not to mention a number of twists and turns to come down the pike.

The past two days have been a little more laid back, giving myself some breathing room. So far, I've written another 1,000 words and tomorrow I plan on writing my heart out. I can't wait! This is becoming so interesting and AWESOME!

I have to thank my friends and family whose support this past month is beyond amazing. I couldn't have gotten this far without your encouragement and help.

Stories and goals

This past month has been an interesting one... Taking on the NaNoWriMo challenge and writing down the story that's kicking it's way out of my head. Some days, I feel like I'm not even the one writing it, instead, I'm just the vessel for it to be born.

Other days are more painstaking.

The thing I have learned is that I am the most creative when I work first thing in the morning and when I give myself a time frame. So I have been getting up at 5am most days so I can write before anyone is awake. The days when I have all day, it takes all day. So weird.

This month is almost over, though and I am planning to settle things down. I don't think I will force the 1667 word count thing, since I have a lot of other things that need to get done. My house is a mess, my ads are falling behind. I have presents to buy.

So, the goal for December will be to get up at 5am and write until 6:30am. Whatever I get written, I get written. But I will continue the story and move it forward with the goal of having a first draft of the entire novel by March and be sending it out to look for an agent by April. Seems like a good initiation month.

The story is shaping up and it is in some ways, very unexpected. It's been a lot of fun to write and a lot of fun to dream up. I hope that I am able to get it published and continue on with the other books... There will be five of them in all. Six at most, depending on where the story takes me.

So, wish me luck. This is going to be a whirlwind...